prayer

Unanswered Prayers: Coping with Infertility

March 3, 2020 by 0 Comments
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I was sitting in La Sagrada Familia in May. It was the perfect rainy day activity. Five years previous, I sat in the same pew, praying for a husband. I was about to turn 34, my heart was broken, I was about to quit my job and I just wanted to settle down. Not really being religious anymore, it felt strange yet very comforting to pray for this person I so longed to meet.

Sitting there five years later, next to the man I prayed for in one of the most beautiful cathedrals in the world was surreal. My prayers were full of gratitude that day, offering thanks for every member of my family. But, there was one thing I still really wanted so I added a prayer at the end for a something my heart had been longing for, a baby.

For years I was totally fine being childless. I was traveling the world, exploring and doing whatever I wanted. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago that shattered me, and yet looking back I know that it changed the trajectory in my life in a very positive way. I accepted that perhaps I would never become a mother, until one day my body wanted it.

I remember that day very clearly. It was 4 years ago. We were in Michigan, out on the lake with his family and his nephew jumped in the water into his arms. Watching him with his nephew changed my biology. In that moment everything in me wanted to be a mother to this man’s children. I know that may sound strange, but everything in me changed that day.

My brain immediately made me think about my age and how at that point, my eggs were considered “geriatric” and it made me want to figure out if I could have children. There are so many opinions about women over 35 and pregnancy and I read a bunch of them, most of which freaked me out.

I started tracking everything, measuring, timing, waiting. My periods started to become something I resented. My stress and anxiety around the entire process was terrible.

Then, in July, I felt different and missed a period. Hope flooded my heart. I just knew something was different. We landed from our time abroad and almost immediately, I started bleeding. My heart broke. I cried a lot after we returned. I felt like my body had failed us, I felt hopeless and old.

My second book was about to launch so I dived right into work and promoting my book. I buried my grief in work and that felt comfortable because my career was doing well. I could control outcomes with that, so I gave my book and business all of me.

Several months passed and pregnancy remained elusive. We were told to seek help after trying to conceive for a year. In January, I went in to check what was going on. The doctor was informative, supportive and compassionate. I cried when I told her I just wanted to know why I couldn’t get pregnant. She ordered some tests and told me to come back when I conceived for pre-natal care.

I felt good about the appointment and returned hopeful awaiting the test results that I was praying would show that it was just a matter of time before we got pregnant.

And then she called me a few days later. “I’m so sorry Emily, this wasn’t the news I was hoping to give you.” She explained the very slim chance of me getting pregnant and that we should immediately look into alternative options. “Thank you for calling” I replied, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I hung up the phone and sobbed.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried to my husband. He just hugged me and let me cry because there wasn’t anything he could say that would make that moment better.

I was in shock for a few days, crying most of the time and feeling so sorry for myself. I knew I was crying about the news but also about the grief from the summer that I stuffed way down. I was grieving because I loved the dream and the expectation that it would all just work out easily.

Returning to life as usual was hard. My self pity wanted to keep me in bed and my perfectionism wanted to work through it like a bulldozer. I needed to find my center and allow the pain to heal while also doing my work and tending to my relationships.

It took weeks for me to stop crying at the drop of a hat. Grief comes in waves, never giving clues to when the next one will break. You can’t analyze it like you can scan the ocean to see where the energy will rise. I had to allow my heart the time to process.

Then one day, acceptance came. After over a year of trying to make something happen and doing everything I thought I needed to do to make it work, I just accepted that we may need to look at other possible ways to become parents. Although I recognized that many couples face this reality, I needed to accept it as my own. I needed to give my body acceptance and release the grief and anger I felt towards it.

It felt good to melt into acceptance and release the need to control.

Earlier this year, I chose the word FLOW as my theme for the year and for the first time, I felt in flow with the process. I spent so much time trying to make, trying to measure and analyze and forgot to be present.

Soon after I received the news, I heard from several women about their infertility struggles. I had not said anything about what I was going through and in those moments, I realized that I could offer true empathy because I know the pain intimately now.

Sometimes our deepest pains can be our greatest gifts.

I’m not sure where this journey is leading me but I’m finally open to what is has to teach me. It feels good to release the control, measuring and anxiety. I still find myself choked up from time to time but then I remember that this is a gift and the answer will come when its supposed to.

I am changing my prayer to “change me through this, show me how to be a light through this pain and thank you for this struggle and the strength that will come from this.” I believe joy can be greater after we get through a valley and I want to choose joy and not despair going forward.

Stillness

March 1, 2017 by 0 Comments
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My mind goes a mile a minute. At any time of the day, I have at least 3 things going through my head. I am constantly trying to figure out, fix, plan or contemplate something. I used to pride myself on my brain’s capacity to multi-task until I realized that I was actually less effective in each task because I wasn’t giving each one the full attention it needed.

This whirlwind of activity also caused stress and anxiety when I couldn’t figure things out or when my plans didn’t go as expected. I knew something needed to change and this is when I started to recognize the power of stillness in the form of prayer, meditation and visualization.

I grew up in a home where prayers were said daily at the dinner table and at church. I knew that prayer was supposed to be my direct line to God. Although I thanked him for my food daily and asked for forgiveness for my mistakes, I never really felt connected. There were certain rules and a structure I was told to follow and as I prayed, I remember going through the checklist in my head to make sure my prayer was complete and all the boxes had been marked.

As an adult, I found my prayers becoming less structured and more free flowing. I left the checklist behind and allowed myself prayers of ecstasy to flow through me when I came upon something beautiful that took my breath away. I allowed prayers of desperation, full of run on sentences and tears when I felt at the end of my rope. I allowed prayers of gratitude that welled from my heart and gut when I just knew that sometimes the most normal things were the most amazing things.

The more I allowed myself to veer from the structured prayers of my youth, the more I felt connected to something greater than me. 

Connection was what I was craving. I wanted to know that I wasn’t alone. I wanted to know that there was purpose to my existence and that my desires, worries and emotions were validated. The more I prayed, the more I felt connected to something greater than me.

Then, I started to practice meditation to calm my mind even deeper. I knew that prayer was effective, but I also wanted to learn how to still my mind and just allow my breath to course through me without the interruption of words.

At first, meditation was difficult for me to learn. I thought that I needed to get my mind completely still and that I would have mastered the practice once I could sit without a single thought or word enter my brain. But, I was wrong. I learned that meditation provides the space and time for stillness. Thoughts will come and go, but the key is to let them go.

Mediation taught me that thoughts will never cease, but my attachment can dissipate with practice.

Attachment to outcome and expectations is where a lot of pain is rooted. There is a myriad of possible what if and maybes but the important thing is coming back to the present moment. Meditation is a tool to bring presence into each day.

I enhanced my practice by visualizing the things that I wanted and the feelings I wanted to feel. If something was very important to me, I spent time seeing it as if it had already happened. This practice exercised my trust in the universe and brought a sense of peace. When I was able to see and feel what I prayed for and meditated on, I let go of my need to control and allowed whatever was meant to be happen in its own time.

Visualization released the vibrational energy into the universe saying: “I am ready to receive.” 

When I regularly practice stillness, my mind slows down and calm arrives. The need to control falls away as well as the anxiety attached to it. In fact, on the days when I don’t create stillness, I am off and quickly recognize the correlation. For me it is important to begin each day from a place of centering stillness. Stillness sets the stage for a dynamic day and calibrates the mind and body to be present and react less.

Here are some of my favorite meditation tools to jump start or end each day:

Calm (an app with lovely graphics, guided meditations and soothing sounds)

Headspace (another mindfulness app with options to focus on certain areas of life)

Deepak Chopra 21-Day Meditation Experience (free 4 times a year)

Moonlight Gratitude (my meditation book coming March 15th)

The Power of Prayer

July 22, 2015 by
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One of the themes that comes up often with spiritual coaching is prayer. I have coached a few people who have left the religions they grew up in and are seeking ways to connect with their spirituality. Each of these experiences have their own path to understanding. Since I have gone through a similar process, I appreciate and acknowledge the desire to slough off strict religious conditioning to embrace a search for meaning and spiritual practices.

This is my story about prayer…

When I was a child, I learned how to pray. I would confess my sins, express gratitude and request things from a God that seemed so far away. I remember spending most of my time wondering if my prayers were effective; if this giant force in the heavens was hearing me. I never really understood prayer much further than confess, give thanks and ask. It seemed rote and methodical.

I also remember learning the structure of a “proper” prayer. But sometimes, it was hard to follow the structure because I was sobbing through my words trying to find meaning, direction and hope. I would lay all my questions, pain, confusion and pride down to just bear my soul.

As I left the religion, prayer came with me, but in a different capacity. I noticed that prayer has always been a comfort to me and recognized the power that it holds.  I wanted to learn more about this ritual and find a more meaningful explanation than what I had learned as a child. There are different types and purposes of prayers and each religion has their own ritual around prayer. And although prayer has religious undertones, I wanted to discover a more personal practice to this ritual.

Looking back on everything that has transpired in my life, there are certain events that I can pick out that turned out better than I could have ever imagined. This is grace and it’s powerful. I recognize that I did a lot of hard work to achieve goals and get places, but I found strength, clarity and guidance with prayer during those times.

The more I willingly opened my heart and mind to this practice, I noticed a shift in my mindset. I was able to stress less and trust that the universe had my back. Every single time that I had great stress and anxiety, I realized it was because I was trying to tackle the issue on my own.

Here are the things I have experienced from prayer:

  • Having direct communication to God where I can pour out my heart is overwhelmingly sacred.
  • My mind is more focused on gratitude and I stop when something wonderful happens just to offer thanks. I notice beauty all around me because gratitude is a key element to prayer.
  • Knowing that I can have a conversation with God, no structure, just talk and process is very comforting and deeply personal.
  • There is no room for guilt because I can come with a contrite heart and receive grace and forgiveness for myself and others.
  • I can feel an energy shift during and after my time in prayer.
  • Letting go is easier.
  • Clarity often follows especially when sitting in meditation after prayer.
  • Stress and anxiety are reduced

There are so many powerful attributes to prayer and I love learning more and evolving my practice. If you find yourself trying to shed strict religious conditioning or would like to delve deeper into your spirituality, please email me at emily@soulsadventures.com.

“I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time – waking and sleeping. It does not change God – it changes me.”

-C.S. Lewis