by 
I have had my name for 37 years. A lot of amazing things have happened with this name. I have a book with it on it’s spine and I love the way it looks; symmetrical to my first name. My passport bears my name as do my past achievements.
I think about his name and what it represents and the amazing family that I inherit just by falling in love. I think about our possible children. I think about how a new name could help me move on from so many things my current name is attached to. I think about new beginnings and fresh starts. I think about how much I love the man who bears this name.
I have decide to take his name. The joy on his face when I tell him is beautiful. I know in that moment I have made the right decision. Why would I think twice for just a name? I could change my name to anything whenever I want. Many people do. But this change is symbolic and is an act of love and trust. My independent core is revolting, yet my heart is melting into the beautiful security it provides.
My relationship is a steady oak tree. Roots continue to dig deep, and this is what I have always wanted. It is amazing to me that the thing I most craved is causing my anxiety. I wanted security and stability and it delivered the most stable human I have ever met. He is unshakable, and he is teaching me that stability comes through trust, growth and love.
Hence the roots, my stability never matured because I was constantly in a state of up-rootedness. I moved constantly as a child and then continued the pattern as an adult; always craving something new. I am learning to stay put which is why this urge has been so loud. I am used to movement. I am used to being elsewhere and dreaming of elsewhere.
I chose to change my name because for years, I had known struggle alongside great achievement. I had an identity of anxiety mixed with excitement. At times I felt frayed at both ends, always striving: to be something great, achieve the next promotion, make a name for myself, to be acknowledged.
Then, he came into my life and things became effortless. Our love happened so easily. I had spent years trying to make people love me and make myself fall in love. I would strain to see the good in others, make up meanings to try to fit. There was so much resistance; a clue that it wasn’t right. Yet, I persisted, and my heart continued to break.
Sometimes persistence is in vain. Sometimes “no” makes way to the greatest “yes”.
When I met him, the resistance faded, and I just knew it was him. I had spent time envisioning him. I knew what it felt like to be with my person. My visualizations became so familiar that I felt chills every time something familiar occurred on our first date. The conversation was exactly as I imagined, and I felt relieved knowing that the universe heard my deepest desire and was delivering it.
I had waited 3 years for him to appear. I had gone on dozens of first dates and this one was the last. As I sat across from him and listened to him speak about his journey, I felt resonance and respect. It was a comforting feeling but also surreal. I was meant to meet this man at that moment.
So then why was I feeling so conflicted about changing my last name?
It wasn’t cold feet, it was terrified feet and I had to return to the space inside my heart that was unfolding, ready to receive love. This is the space where my feminine nature resided. She had been preparing this space for him even when I was trying to keep hurt from penetrating my heart.
This place of unfolding was where I find the strength to abandon all my fears of losing myself and rise to the challenge of becoming a wife.
This is the space of creation and I am ready to create a new life with him. I feel honored to take his name. In this unfolding I am learning surrender. I made a note to remember this realization because I know myself and the times when I refused to unfold, have always been the times when relationships became near impossible.
Our family is just beginning, and we are a team. Not one on one, but together, working towards a common goal. I feel aligned with him and ready to take on whatever life has in store. I had to allow him into the place that I guarded so fiercely. He makes me feel safe and I trust him with this part of me. I know my heart has found its home.
