by 
My mom called the other day to tell me about the grapes that have been growing in their garden. She asked me about the differing ripeness of the clusters since some berries were sweet and others were tart.
“The green ones are astringent, you could clean a house with them.” she said.
“That’s because they haven’t completed veraison.” I replied using my knowledge of grapes from my previous career in the wine industry.
Veraison is the process when grapes become sweet. As they hang on the vine in the sun, they ripen from hard, green berries to plump, sweet fruit ready for eating or making wine. It’s actually one of the most beautiful parts of the vine’s lifecycle because the clusters are variant in color. I always loved this time of year in the vineyards, witnessing the stages of ripening.
Just as grapes take time to ripen on their own schedule, we too, ripen and mature unevenly.
For the past 2 weeks, my husband has been sick. At first we thought it was just a cold, but it turned out to be COVID. He is very healthy so we thought it would pass, but his condition continued to worsen including a trip to the Emergency Room.
I struggled with exhaustion and fear for his health. I also struggled with anger and resentment. Ashamed of this realization, I sought support from those closest to me.
What felt like a struggle soon revealed itself as a gift. The situation provided a spotlight on some things I needed to work on, places where I was still astringent and unpalatable, like an unripe grape. I noticed the uneven ripening and instead of berating myself, I softened and accepted the veraison in my own soul.
Noticing a pattern of anger and resentment felt embarrassing, especially as my husband struggled. I was ashamed that my weakness was showing up and apologized for letting my insecurities and immaturity get the best of me. Embracing this truth, I did the work to come back to the truth and grow from there.
One of the things my husband and I remind each other of often is “everything we need is provided in perfect timing.” There is evidence of this truth throughout our lives and marriage. When we feel like things aren’t working out, we can search for the evidence of grace, provision and abundance. In these moments, our anxieties calm and we become closer.
The night in the ER, showed me an even greater capacity of love for my husband. I had never had to fear for his health until that moment. It also showed me a greater resiliency within. In the moments when I wanted to break down and cry, something in me clicked and I was able to muster the strength needed for both of us.
There are so many times, when I have needed his strength in the midst of storms. Last year, he was my steady oak as I mourned the loss of fertility. As I learned to let go, he stood firm in his love and support, giving me the love that I so desparatly needed.
Now it was my time to show up and be rooted. And in those moments, another part of me softened in strength.
I think it’s easy to go towards judgement and anger in hard times because the energy matches the trial. The real strength training comes from finding the silver lining while also being authentic and realistic. Yes, it was scary and at times felt like a nightmare watching Nate suffer from COVID. And yet, I pulled some serious spiritual weeds through this process and fell more deeply in love with him.
Through this trial, my faith in the Universe and my relationships with family strengthened. I found a new found appreciation for my family and for science (thank goodness I was vaccinated!) I was also reminded of the power of grace and giving this gift to myself daily.
As we “ripen” impatience can rise up, especially when we recognize other areas where we have “matured”. And yet, there is beauty in the uneven growth and imperfection. This is where depth and appreciation is found. If our souls learned everything at once, what would we look forward to? How would life create awe and resilience over time?
In the anxious moments of transformation, I reminded myself that there was a purpose in the struggle. This is a truth I hold very close to my heart as I learned this through past struggles. Even though the purpose may not reveal itself immediately, there is evidence that can be pointed to in the future, when needed.
As I thought about my mom’s comment of the green grapes being astringent I remembered telling her to wait to harvest the cluster until they are all ripe and purple. And then I realized I was also speaking to myself.
I love how simple conversations can turn out to be exactly what is needed.
