Author: Emily

Gratitude Heals: How to Replace Scarcity with Abundance

October 13, 2022 by 3 Comments
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There is a lot of science and research on how gratitude heals. Scarcity creeps in and grabs a hold with force. What may have been something that we are completely grateful for can turn into our greatest frustration. How does this happen?

Expectations — they create disappointment and rob the joy out of something that has the possibility to create excitement.

When frustration takes over, we start to notice all the things that could and have gone wrong. This is where scarcity takes over. It sees the perfect opportunity to sweep in and make a nice home inside the negative thoughts and emotions causing them to be augmented.

Thoughts of not being enough, doing enough, having enough seep in. Before we know it, we regret the thing that we wanted so badly.

This has happened to me several times. I place such high expectations on the things I want the most that I end up sabotaging their success. I have done this in relationships, at work, with family and even with working out. My perfectionist tendencies would flare up, I got attached to outcomes that I deem are necessary for success and then POOF! they fall apart.

It took me some time to come to this realization. In the meantime, I would be a basketcase wondering: “How did this happen once again?”

I’d place blame until I realized that I had control over the way I perceived each situation and the expectations I set.

It is hard to let go of expectations.

We want what we want when we want it. Best laid plans are just that, plans. Nothing is set in stone and so many things can happen that are out of our control. When we decide that things need to be a certain way and leave little room for variety, we set ourselves up for disappointment.

But there is a way to replace scarcity with abundance. It takes some work, but with practice we can change the way we react and replace with positive feelings and reactions.

Release the expectation, attachment and need for control. Be fluid and allow things to occur as they will.

Reframe the negative thought or feeling with something positive. Ask yourself: What is going right?

Recognize what is going right with gratitude. The best way to go from scarcity to abundance is gratitude. Always look for the positive and be grateful. This tiny step will change your mind.

Start to notice where scarcity has created frustration in your life and take the time to heal this wound. Our bodies have a physical response to this emotion. We crave security and fulfillment. When we are off balance in this area, we feel fearful, scarce and controlling.

We can heal with gratitude. Transforming the energy frees up the tension that we hold physically and emotionally.

Gratitude can heal where scarcity once scarred.

A New Place to Share My Writing…

April 25, 2022 by 0 Comments

I’ve started a newsletter and podcast! Head over to subscribe, read, and listen!

Here is a sample of my latest newsletter…

Coping with Infertility

Kim Belverud Photography

It’s hard to know that your body doesn’t want to cooperate with your plans. As a meticulous planner, I felt like I had found the perfect time to work on planning for a family now that my business was more stable, I was married and we were ready to look for houses. Things felt like they were falling into place. 

To be honest, I thought that careful planning was all one needed to make things happen. I was ready for the work, the measuring and tracking. I spent the previous year learning how to mother myself and heal past childhood mother wounds because I was afraid to carry on generational trauma that my genes carried.

In the past I had a strained relationship with my mother who had a strained relationship with her mother who had a strained relationship with her mother. If I was old enough to ask before she passed away, I could find out if my great-grandmother had one as well with her mother or if the pattern started with her. Something told me it went on for generations.

Working on healing this truth took compassion and time. I had to reach back and see these women through the eyes of compassion and love. As I did this work, I felt more and more ready to become a mother, to give birth to a new generation, one rooted in love and compassion.

I received a call from an unknown number. I answered, it was my OB/GYN. I was surprised to hear her voice on the other line.

“This wasn’t the call I wanted to make or the news I wanted to give you.” she said with deep compassion in her voice, allowing pauses. Allowing me to process and the time to ask questions through my tears. I took notes because I knew I would have a hard time remembering the things she was saying. “Premature ovarian failure, early menopause, not a candidate for IVF, some women have success with donor eggs.” I could hear the disappointment in her voice 

All these words refused to settle in my heart… (to continue reading, click here)

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week. If you or someone you know is suffering from the inability to conceive, my heart goes out to you. 

Please visit RESOLVE.org to learn more about resources and ways to help.

The Alchemy of 2021: Finding Hope

December 29, 2021 by 0 Comments

The past informs the future.

I chose HOPE as my word for 2021. After experiencing deep grief in 2020, I wanted to look for silver linings and meaning for the sorrow I was experiencing. I thought that HOPE would serve as a helpful guide after feeling hopeless and defeated.

So for this entire year, I have looked for hope, practiced hope and learned so much about cultivating hope. The thing with choosing a theme is that it shows up in unexpected ways.

Hope didn’t show up easily for me. It felt like I clawed my way out of hopelessness this year. Just when things felt like they were going to work out, a setback would occur. This year felt like a treadmill of 2 steps forward, 1 step back and it was exhausting.

However, HOPE did show up. It shined its way through the darkness and by the end of the year, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. This light showed up because of one emotion that permeated my being for most of the year; anger.

My anger was an alchemist this year.

To be honest, I can’t remember a time when I have felt so much rage in my life. It felt like a fire that burned deep within me. It was stoked by memories of past events, current issues and the grief that was left unresolved. This anger was like a wildfire, burning through everything in its path, including my marriage. I was mad and nothing was getting in the way of the burning.

Hopelessness and anger became the catalyst for change.

I vividly remember my breaking point when I dialed for help. The woman asked me several questions including the address of my location “I’m sitting in my car at the mall.” I said through tears as I continued to answer her questions. She told me about an app for depression and let me know a therapist would be in touch.

Through therapy, I worked through years of piled up grief. I thought I had already done the work, but grief doesn’t just go away. It can be rekindled with new grief. My infertility was the new grief which reminded my soul of all the other sorrows that were buried deep within.

Writing was an alchemist this year.

After saying “no” to a book contract in the beginning of the year, I started writing the book that has been on my heart for several years. Aside from therapy, I joined a grief writer’s group. There were three of us in the group and we held each other accountable in our goal of writing our next books. I finished writing my book in August and am in the process of finding an agent/publisher for it.

My writing changed through this process. With the keen eyes and encouragement of my fellow writers, I wrote out my truth and found meaning in the hard stuff, joy in the triumphs and recognized the bravery and resilience in my spirit. I also recovered the deep well of love within in me.

My marriage was an alchemist this year.

We walked through this wildfire together. At times, it was traumatic. My husband’s COVID, my anger and grief, business stress and the dreams we held on so dearly needed to be released: buying a home and giving birth. We let go again and again, surrendering to the unknown. In the end, we emerged closer with a deeper empathy and understanding of ourselves and each other.

Marriage is a container where the worst parts of you can emerge. It’s also a healing container, if both partners are willing, to allow painful transformations to take place with love. There isn’t a day that I’m not deeply grateful for this love.

Alchemy creates space.

Letting go has created space. I am excited to see what all this space will be filled with. I have a feeling it’s going to be pretty amazing since SO much space has been created.

Hope showed up through the fire, purifying and making elemental changes. This year was an alchemist and after everything, I feel hope-full.

Photo Credit: Kim Belverud Photography

Lesson from a Vineyard: Ripening of the Spirit

July 15, 2021 by 0 Comments

My mom called the other day to tell me about the grapes that have been growing in their garden. She asked me about the differing ripeness of the clusters since some berries were sweet and others were tart.

“The green ones are astringent, you could clean a house with them.” she said.

“That’s because they haven’t completed veraison.” I replied using my knowledge of grapes from my previous career in the wine industry.

Veraison is the process when grapes become sweet. As they hang on the vine in the sun, they ripen from hard, green berries to plump, sweet fruit ready for eating or making wine. It’s actually one of the most beautiful parts of the vine’s lifecycle because the clusters are variant in color. I always loved this time of year in the vineyards, witnessing the stages of ripening.

Just as grapes take time to ripen on their own schedule, we too, ripen and mature unevenly.

For the past 2 weeks, my husband has been sick. At first we thought it was just a cold, but it turned out to be COVID. He is very healthy so we thought it would pass, but his condition continued to worsen including a trip to the Emergency Room.

I struggled with exhaustion and fear for his health. I also struggled with anger and resentment. Ashamed of this realization, I sought support from those closest to me.

What felt like a struggle soon revealed itself as a gift. The situation provided a spotlight on some things I needed to work on, places where I was still astringent and unpalatable, like an unripe grape. I noticed the uneven ripening and instead of berating myself, I softened and accepted the veraison in my own soul.

Noticing a pattern of anger and resentment felt embarrassing, especially as my husband struggled. I was ashamed that my weakness was showing up and apologized for letting my insecurities and immaturity get the best of me. Embracing this truth, I did the work to come back to the truth and grow from there.

One of the things my husband and I remind each other of often is “everything we need is provided in perfect timing.” There is evidence of this truth throughout our lives and marriage. When we feel like things aren’t working out, we can search for the evidence of grace, provision and abundance. In these moments, our anxieties calm and we become closer.

The night in the ER, showed me an even greater capacity of love for my husband. I had never had to fear for his health until that moment. It also showed me a greater resiliency within. In the moments when I wanted to break down and cry, something in me clicked and I was able to muster the strength needed for both of us.

There are so many times, when I have needed his strength in the midst of storms. Last year, he was my steady oak as I mourned the loss of fertility. As I learned to let go, he stood firm in his love and support, giving me the love that I so desparatly needed.

Now it was my time to show up and be rooted. And in those moments, another part of me softened in strength.

I think it’s easy to go towards judgement and anger in hard times because the energy matches the trial. The real strength training comes from finding the silver lining while also being authentic and realistic. Yes, it was scary and at times felt like a nightmare watching Nate suffer from COVID. And yet, I pulled some serious spiritual weeds through this process and fell more deeply in love with him.

Through this trial, my faith in the Universe and my relationships with family strengthened. I found a new found appreciation for my family and for science (thank goodness I was vaccinated!) I was also reminded of the power of grace and giving this gift to myself daily.

As we “ripen” impatience can rise up, especially when we recognize other areas where we have “matured”. And yet, there is beauty in the uneven growth and imperfection. This is where depth and appreciation is found. If our souls learned everything at once, what would we look forward to? How would life create awe and resilience over time?

In the anxious moments of transformation, I reminded myself that there was a purpose in the struggle. This is a truth I hold very close to my heart as I learned this through past struggles. Even though the purpose may not reveal itself immediately, there is evidence that can be pointed to in the future, when needed.

As I thought about my mom’s comment of the green grapes being astringent I remembered telling her to wait to harvest the cluster until they are all ripe and purple. And then I realized I was also speaking to myself.

I love how simple conversations can turn out to be exactly what is needed.

New Year’s Reflection

January 8, 2021 by 0 Comments
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2020 wasn’t all that bad and I refuse to call it a dumpster fire…

In the beginning of the year, I chose the word “flow” as my word. I’ve been choosing a word for the year for a few years now and this word felt appropriate as I was feeling the familiar urge to control creeping back through my bones.

As the year progressed, I found “flow” becoming more and more difficult to achieve. I wanted to know where and how things would turn out. I wanted to feel certain as more and more things felt like they were falling apart (personally and in the world!)

Lately, I have been trying to find stillness to process all the memories and emotions that 2020 created. I realize that everything felt heightened as well a dulled at various parts of the year. For me, 2020 was the year where immense space was created. What some called a “dumpster fire” I refer to as a clearing, a time to release.

The more I released, the more life seemed to flow for me.

In the beginning of the year, one of the dreams I had been holding so close to my heart became a vapor when we received news of infertility. This sent me into a swirl of emotions. Through deep love and support of friends and family, I found flow again and slowly learned to reconnect with and respect the cycles of my body.

This news became such a gift as I look back because I saw how disconnected I had become from my physical being. Spending so much time in my head had become a place of comfort and yet, it also was a place of paralysis as I stayed fixed in thought not moving forward.

Our greatest pains have the potential to become our deepest insights.

I ended the year completing a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, which was immensely healing and beneficial in helping me reconnect my mind, body and spirit. I have wanted to do YTT for years and never found the “right time” to pursue it. A friend casually mentioned, Awakening Yoga Academy, over brunch one day and something inside me sparked and the timing felt perfect. After a year of grieving and feeling angry with my body, I decided to do something to bring me back into my body with appreciation, love and grace.

This year also marked the release of book #3! Holding my 3rd book, Sunrise Gratitude, for the first time was very special. I waited extra long for this book as shipping was unpredictable this year. I remember seeing it in the hands of a reader in Australia before I had a chance to see it. It was exciting to know it was real and that people were reading and connecting with it.

Every year, my belief that everything I need is already on its way becomes more solid. There were things I thought I needed this year, and they only became areas of great resistance. Instead, FLOW created so much room for the things that were meant to arrive. The more I trusted, the more hope took root.

As I look forward to 2021, I feel a sense of excitement and HOPE, which I chose as my word for the new year.

This is what I imagine HOPE to look like…

  • New dreams
  • More love for others and ourselves
  • Welcoming serendipity as control is released
  • Collective healing and growth for the world
  • New perspectives and horizons
  • Connection with DEEPER appreciation (hopefully in person)
  • More acceptance of differences
  • Recognizing possibilities instead of dwelling in failures

This year of flow was full of stillness and uncertainty and yet, it felt healing. Flow proved to me that I don’t need to be in control of everything because when I release, all the goodness I can’t see is allowed to fall into place.

Life will always ebb and flow and the more we stay open, the easier it is to accept and grow.

Did you have a word for 2020? I’d love to hear what it was. I hope your year was filled with magical memories and that through the hard stuff, beauty emerged. May your reflections of the past year be filled with wonder because no matter how your year transpired, you are here and that is amazing.

May this next year bring you peace and hope!

A New Chapter: Reflections on Turning 40

October 5, 2020 by 2 Comments

There is a sense of peace that has arrived with turning 40 that I think comes from embracing the lessons of surrender this year has presented. I’m not just talking about 2020, I mean my entire 39th year has been one surrender experience after another.

At first, I felt very stubborn towards these lessons that arrived in full force. They kept showing up, no matter how much meditation and work I did on myself. Even with hiring a coach, surrender was not letting up.

My only choices were to fight or release my grip and learn to flow with the current of life.

For the past few years, turning 40 meant the loss of youth as we navigated fertility and learning about our very slim chances of conception. I was devastated and felt like my body had failed me prematurely. Shame, resentment and guilt became the feelings I had towards my body as I struggled to come to terms with this new found truth.

This year, I have learned to forgive where I didn’t realized I needed to forgive. The body that can’t do what I wanted it to do is now being held in reverence. I’ve learned so much about how it works and embrace the cycles and each wave of emotion with the grace I so desperately needed in my 20s and 30s.

Through all of this, I have learned the beautiful lessons of acceptance and trust. Acceptance allows what is to just be. Acceptance allows me to just be me. Trust reminds me that everything I need arrives when its time. No amount of forcing or manipulation will make things happen quicker. As long as I keep showing up to life, it keeps showing up for me…even if not on my timeline.

Since surrender has been such a pivotal theme for me, I wanted to capture it. I worked with Kim Belverud a former client of mine who I knew would capture this milestone and turning point perfectly.

We used the words SURRENDER and VULNERABLE for the entire shoot. I just showed up and Kim led. I did whatever she told me to do. It was uncomfortable at first to allow myself to be so raw. What she did is pure art. I share my interpretation and a few photos from this shoot below…

I have to say, at first, it was really hard to look at these photos. I’ve never seen myself portrayed this way before and I found myself judging myself pretty harshly. I walked away and took a second look with kinder, more gracious eyes and what I saw upon resetting my mindset was amazing.


The first thing that sticks out to me are my feet are firmly planted on the ground. To me this signifies a turning point for me, one where I am finally grounded and rooted after years of wandering, searching and wondering. My sun sign is Virgo, which is an Earth sign. I feel like these photos embody Virgo energy: Grounded, Earthy, Womanly.


Second, I like the photos without the structures in the background and my hair. These strike me as somewhat wild in nature, which I feel has always been within. I am a very passionate, deep feeling, non-confoming soul. Which is a nod to my ascendant sign of Sagittarius, a fire sign and one of an adventurer. So, although my feet are firmly planted my body and hair continue to erupt with wildness and passion. I will always crave change, adventure and things that move my soul.


Then the water in the photos is just amazing. I love the photos where I am in the water and the dress is so fluid. This represents my moon sign, Pisces, a water sign (no surprise there). The movement and fluidity to me, show my dreamy, creative nature. I am extremely emotional and the movement of the dress almost moves like my cyclical emotions: up, down, around, here and there. Without these cycles, I do not think I could create the way I do. The dark photos capture this best as I remember the moon was out, I was in the water and the lighting was more ethereal.


Without even telling her about my birth chart, she captured all of it, which to me is magical and very special. Holding my body with reverence after a year of feeling so shameful, guilty and resentful towards it brings me to tears. I worked hard on forgiveness towards myself this year and I love the way it feels.

I feel a new found “fertility” in my ideas and creations and I look forward to what this new decade will produce.

To read Kim’s take and learn more about her art, check her out here!

How to Deal with Social Media Triggers

June 8, 2020 by 0 Comments
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The past week has been heartbreaking. I have watched several people spew hate and vitriol at strangers on social media and it’s not okay.

We are living in a time that calls for understanding, inclusion, and justice. And yet…the issues are becoming deeper with the harsh judgments and criticisms.

I grew up in a very fundamentalist and legalist environment and I am seeing so many parallels to it on social media and it turns my stomach. I’ve even questioned if I want to continue to be a part of something where such “all or nothing thinking” runs rampant.

When we see hate, we must show up with love.

However, I find myself asking (cue the Black Eyed Peas) “Where is the love?” I am shocked at some of the comments I see and even posts from people I follow(ed) correcting, admonishing, and judging so harshly.

So I took a break…and may continue to because I know I need to learn more about what’s going on and wrestle with the discomforts that have surfaced during the past couple months.

There are a few things that we all need to remember when using social media:

  • Social media can cause an urge to compare
  • Social media can cause an information vortex (like any media outlet)
  • Social media causes high anxiety for many
  • Social media can be a tool to bully others

This past week was supposed to be a call for justice and inclusion and yet, I see more judgement and hate than ever (and I thought COVID posts were mean!). It’s okay to be upset by the injustices. It’s okay to want to do something about it. It’s okay to admit that you need to learn more.

It’s not okay to assume someone else isn’t doing their part. The only thing we have control over is ourselves, our reactions and our thoughts. THAT’S IT! So if we think that spewing hate and judgement is the answer, we have it all wrong.

I’d like to challenge you to flip the narrative in your mind next time you see something online that makes you want to lash out and comment in cruelty. Stop yourself, take a deep breath or three and ask:

  • Why am I being triggered right now?
  • What about this is causing me to react?
  • If I am judging this person, what do I see in myself that causes me to judge?
  • Will my comment bring understanding and love to this situation?
  • Is it my job to correct or change this person?

After asking these questions, comment or move on.

The same can be said if someone isn’t showing up on social media. Do not assume they are staying silent and inactive. They may be taking a break to learn more, volunteer, show up physically to help or they may need a mental health break. All of these reasons are okay. Assuming the worst only makes you upset.

I know the urge to want to create change deeply and intimately. I chose my career path because I feel this urge so deeply. However, I know for a fact that nothing I can do or say will make someone change. I can inspire, encourage and hold accountable (if asked), but that person chooses how they show up in the world.

When we release the need to control others, we free up so much space to create change within, which ultimately creates outward change!

Think about that. When you let go of the need to control others, you have the freedom to change yourself. Life is a learning experience and I guarantee you none of us have any of this right. Social change creates unrest and disrupts the status quo. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and let others find their own way.

The new narrative is being written, edited and translated right now.

Please be part of the solution by spreading love. If you don’t know what to say or do, ask. I reached out to several friends early last week to ask how to show up. They thanked me for asking. All I received was love and advice, because I asked. Please love more.

Love will heal. Love nurtures understanding and growth. Love erases hate.

How will you show up in love today?

How to Conquer Your Morning

March 23, 2020 by 0 Comments
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For most of us, the Corona Virus as put us on lock down for over a week. 

In an effort to slow the spread of the virus, many cities and states have places a “Shelter in Place” order. We were away when all this went down in California. When we returned home, our Lyft driver mentioned all the changes we would experience and urged us to go grocery shopping early the next morning. Although he found himself with 90% less rides, he was upbeat and hopeful.

This pandemic has been quite an opportunity in my eyes. Never before have I seen things so clean and felt the availability of time. Time is one of our most precious commodities and we are now finding ourselves looking for ways to fill our time at home. Every day, I see someone offering a free course, video series, workbook, workout, etc… to share with the millions of people who are now stuck at home.

As a solopreneuer, this has been my way of life since I quit my job in 2014. Many of my fellow entrepreneur friends are also finding themselves plugging along at business as usual. However, for many of you, you can’t go into work, your children are now at home and you may even have to figure out how to homeschool! All these changes can be discombobulating. However, it doesn’t have to feel frantic and scary. There is a time every day that you can choose to set yourself up for success and that is: MORNINGS!

Morning Routines are the perfect way to take some time to create a map of how you’d like your ideal day to be. Taking as little as 15 minutes each morning to ground and center yourself can create a dramatic shift in how you enter each day.

There are several opinion, books and ideas for how to create an effective morning routine. My top advice is to find the things that are non-negotiable to YOU because you are the one that has to commit to it. I’ve started so many routines/journals/practices in the past and in time, I have created one that works for me, one that I look forward to and feel off if I don’t complete. This is how I know I will do it.

When it comes to Morning Routines, find what works for you, let go of the rest!

The most successful people have routines, systems and processes they follow. Focused intention creates desired results. In a time of such uncertainty, you can create certainty in your daily life by creating a routine to set you up for personal success. Mornings are a time of grounding, renewal and solace. 

With so many options available for creating routines, I thought I’d share a few suggestions to help you create a routine that works well for you:

  1. Go to bed and wake up at the same time consistently: When we create a sleep and wake schedule, we are more apt to having time for our morning routine
  2. Keep your phone away: Don’t consume the thoughts of others before you give your brain a chance to center and calibrate for the day. Start your day with your soul, not the opinions of others.
  3. Mindfulness: Meditation and prayer are mindful ways to start your day. Take some time to center yourself through breath and offer prayers of gratitude for the day ahead.
  4. Intentional Goals: Create a list of 3 things you would like to accomplish each day. Make them  your top priorities. When we create a long list of “to-dos” we can get caught up deciding what to do. Highlight or write out the top 3 and start there. If you have more time to complete more, that’s a bonus!
  5. Create a Schedule: Schedule out your day, making sure there is time for your top 3 intentional goals. This way you can make sure they have a time slot to be completed. When we schedule things, they are more likely to get done.
  6. Oracle Cards: This is one of my favorite things to help me find inspiration in the morning. Pull one or a few. Ask a question. Place one in a place you can see to keep you inspired throughout the day.
  7. Journal: This is a wonderful way to get all the thoughts that are swirling about on paper. Its amazing how clarity can come from writing things out. If there is something you’re processing, it may take a few days or weeks to journal through, but there is a catharsis that comes from writing it out!

These are just a few things you can do to create an intentional morning. If you are a coffee or tea drinker, I suggest tying your morning routine to this habit to make it more successful. When we tie a new habit to an existing one it catches on quicker.

I’d love to hear how your mornings are going and if you need any further support during this time. please let me know. I understand the uncertainty can be unraveling, and yet it is creating the space we all need. Look forward with hopeful anticipation for what’s next.

Great things can be born out of chaos. Better things are born through intention.

Unanswered Prayers: Coping with Infertility

March 3, 2020 by 0 Comments
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I was sitting in La Sagrada Familia in May. It was the perfect rainy day activity. Five years previous, I sat in the same pew, praying for a husband. I was about to turn 34, my heart was broken, I was about to quit my job and I just wanted to settle down. Not really being religious anymore, it felt strange yet very comforting to pray for this person I so longed to meet.

Sitting there five years later, next to the man I prayed for in one of the most beautiful cathedrals in the world was surreal. My prayers were full of gratitude that day, offering thanks for every member of my family. But, there was one thing I still really wanted so I added a prayer at the end for a something my heart had been longing for, a baby.

For years I was totally fine being childless. I was traveling the world, exploring and doing whatever I wanted. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago that shattered me, and yet looking back I know that it changed the trajectory in my life in a very positive way. I accepted that perhaps I would never become a mother, until one day my body wanted it.

I remember that day very clearly. It was 4 years ago. We were in Michigan, out on the lake with his family and his nephew jumped in the water into his arms. Watching him with his nephew changed my biology. In that moment everything in me wanted to be a mother to this man’s children. I know that may sound strange, but everything in me changed that day.

My brain immediately made me think about my age and how at that point, my eggs were considered “geriatric” and it made me want to figure out if I could have children. There are so many opinions about women over 35 and pregnancy and I read a bunch of them, most of which freaked me out.

I started tracking everything, measuring, timing, waiting. My periods started to become something I resented. My stress and anxiety around the entire process was terrible.

Then, in July, I felt different and missed a period. Hope flooded my heart. I just knew something was different. We landed from our time abroad and almost immediately, I started bleeding. My heart broke. I cried a lot after we returned. I felt like my body had failed us, I felt hopeless and old.

My second book was about to launch so I dived right into work and promoting my book. I buried my grief in work and that felt comfortable because my career was doing well. I could control outcomes with that, so I gave my book and business all of me.

Several months passed and pregnancy remained elusive. We were told to seek help after trying to conceive for a year. In January, I went in to check what was going on. The doctor was informative, supportive and compassionate. I cried when I told her I just wanted to know why I couldn’t get pregnant. She ordered some tests and told me to come back when I conceived for pre-natal care.

I felt good about the appointment and returned hopeful awaiting the test results that I was praying would show that it was just a matter of time before we got pregnant.

And then she called me a few days later. “I’m so sorry Emily, this wasn’t the news I was hoping to give you.” She explained the very slim chance of me getting pregnant and that we should immediately look into alternative options. “Thank you for calling” I replied, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I hung up the phone and sobbed.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried to my husband. He just hugged me and let me cry because there wasn’t anything he could say that would make that moment better.

I was in shock for a few days, crying most of the time and feeling so sorry for myself. I knew I was crying about the news but also about the grief from the summer that I stuffed way down. I was grieving because I loved the dream and the expectation that it would all just work out easily.

Returning to life as usual was hard. My self pity wanted to keep me in bed and my perfectionism wanted to work through it like a bulldozer. I needed to find my center and allow the pain to heal while also doing my work and tending to my relationships.

It took weeks for me to stop crying at the drop of a hat. Grief comes in waves, never giving clues to when the next one will break. You can’t analyze it like you can scan the ocean to see where the energy will rise. I had to allow my heart the time to process.

Then one day, acceptance came. After over a year of trying to make something happen and doing everything I thought I needed to do to make it work, I just accepted that we may need to look at other possible ways to become parents. Although I recognized that many couples face this reality, I needed to accept it as my own. I needed to give my body acceptance and release the grief and anger I felt towards it.

It felt good to melt into acceptance and release the need to control.

Earlier this year, I chose the word FLOW as my theme for the year and for the first time, I felt in flow with the process. I spent so much time trying to make, trying to measure and analyze and forgot to be present.

Soon after I received the news, I heard from several women about their infertility struggles. I had not said anything about what I was going through and in those moments, I realized that I could offer true empathy because I know the pain intimately now.

Sometimes our deepest pains can be our greatest gifts.

I’m not sure where this journey is leading me but I’m finally open to what is has to teach me. It feels good to release the control, measuring and anxiety. I still find myself choked up from time to time but then I remember that this is a gift and the answer will come when its supposed to.

I am changing my prayer to “change me through this, show me how to be a light through this pain and thank you for this struggle and the strength that will come from this.” I believe joy can be greater after we get through a valley and I want to choose joy and not despair going forward.

Year in Review – 2019 Reflections

December 31, 2019 by 0 Comments
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It always seems to happen around this time of year, nostalgia rises and the memories of the year flood in. Lately, I have been trying to find stillness to process all the memories and emotions that 2019 brought up for me. I realized that this year everything was experienced at a deeper level.

Now, I am a pretty deep person, I live in my head and my heart. I am always thinking and feeling. And yet, this year, I found myself going even deeper. In the depths, I found new ways to love, communicate and show up.

Surrender was a reoccuring theme for me this year and even when I felt like I couldn’t let go anymore, I was shown that I could. As my grasp became looser, my life became richer.

Dreams came true this year as well as some faded into memory. There was a constant pendulum of emotions as I saw my creations come to life as well as some fall away. This is the nature of choosing a creative life; some seeds grow while others never take root. The beauty lies in the ability to create over and over again.

Holding my 2nd book, Find Your Glow Feed Your Soul, for the first time was very special. It’s more beautiful than I could have imagined (thanks to Quarto’s amazing design team). Launching the book was different from the first time because I am constantly learning how to be an author.

Even with the critics, I learned to release my desire to justify and surrender to the fact that not everyone will be my audience. There is a certain freedom that arrived after that. I can still show up for my readers and share my voice.

I learned to love deeper as marriage continues to help me grow and transform as a human. Surrender helped me release my ego a bit more so I could be open to a new level of love. Getting married is an act of surrender. To welcome another person into your life so intimately, especially after years of doing it my way without thought is a beautiful and heady act of release.

I’ve learned new levels of forgiveness, comfort and wonder this year with my husband. We traveled for 67 days as an experiment to see if we could really take our businesses anywhere. Through the digital nomad experience, I learned that not only can we work anywhere, but that we can overcome difficulties fairly quickly.

Our time away was magical, difficult, exciting and inspiring. I loved traveling all over Spain and Italy with Nate. He is an amazing travel partner and his sense of wonder is one of the things I admire most about him. Even with missed trains and lost luggage, he rose to each occasion with calm. He doesn’t dwell and moves forward quickly.

Coming home to our 1 bedroom apartment felt amazing. The place that feels too small at times, was the place we longed to be. I’m learning that roots are a good thing and that I can be grounded and free simultaneously because they are both a state of mind.

Every year, my belief that everything I need is already on its way becomes more solid. There were things I thought I needed this year, and they only became points of resistance and remnants of failure. Instead, so much room was made for the things that were meant to arrive.

As I look back, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and peace. This year was exactly what it was supposed to be. This year was hard in so many places: hard work, hard conversations, hard realizations. Surrender isn’t for the faint of heart. And yet, 2019 was also pretty magical and that is how I want to remember it.

As I look forward to 2020, I feel a sense of calm knowing that I am prepared to hold loosely and allow life to flow; which happens to be my word for the new year.

This is what I imagine FLOW to be…

  • More Stillness, Less Anxiety
  • More Love, Less Judgement
  • More Experience, Less Scrolling
  • More Laughter, Less Pride
  • More Reading, Less Screens
  • More Gratitude, Less Wishing
  • More Acceptance, Less Resistance

This year of surrender was the most productive and successful year of my life. Surrender proved to me that I don’t need to be in control of everything because when I release, all the goodness I can’t see is allowed to fall into place.

It’s good not to always know what’s around the corner, thats where wonder will always abide.

Did you have a word for 2019? I’d love to hear what it was. I hope your year was filled with magical memories and that through the hard stuff, beauty emerged. May your reflections of the past year be filled with wonder because no matter how your year transpired, you are here and that is amazing.