by 
There is a sense of peace that has arrived with turning 40 that I think comes from embracing the lessons of surrender this year has presented. I’m not just talking about 2020, I mean my entire 39th year has been one surrender experience after another.
At first, I felt very stubborn towards these lessons that arrived in full force. They kept showing up, no matter how much meditation and work I did on myself. Even with hiring a coach, surrender was not letting up.
My only choices were to fight or release my grip and learn to flow with the current of life.
For the past few years, turning 40 meant the loss of youth as we navigated fertility and learning about our very slim chances of conception. I was devastated and felt like my body had failed me prematurely. Shame, resentment and guilt became the feelings I had towards my body as I struggled to come to terms with this new found truth.
This year, I have learned to forgive where I didn’t realized I needed to forgive. The body that can’t do what I wanted it to do is now being held in reverence. I’ve learned so much about how it works and embrace the cycles and each wave of emotion with the grace I so desperately needed in my 20s and 30s.
Through all of this, I have learned the beautiful lessons of acceptance and trust. Acceptance allows what is to just be. Acceptance allows me to just be me. Trust reminds me that everything I need arrives when its time. No amount of forcing or manipulation will make things happen quicker. As long as I keep showing up to life, it keeps showing up for me…even if not on my timeline.
Since surrender has been such a pivotal theme for me, I wanted to capture it. I worked with Kim Belverud a former client of mine who I knew would capture this milestone and turning point perfectly.
We used the words SURRENDER and VULNERABLE for the entire shoot. I just showed up and Kim led. I did whatever she told me to do. It was uncomfortable at first to allow myself to be so raw. What she did is pure art. I share my interpretation and a few photos from this shoot below…
I have to say, at first, it was really hard to look at these photos. I’ve never seen myself portrayed this way before and I found myself judging myself pretty harshly. I walked away and took a second look with kinder, more gracious eyes and what I saw upon resetting my mindset was amazing.
The first thing that sticks out to me are my feet are firmly planted on the ground. To me this signifies a turning point for me, one where I am finally grounded and rooted after years of wandering, searching and wondering. My sun sign is Virgo, which is an Earth sign. I feel like these photos embody Virgo energy: Grounded, Earthy, Womanly.
Second, I like the photos without the structures in the background and my hair. These strike me as somewhat wild in nature, which I feel has always been within. I am a very passionate, deep feeling, non-confoming soul. Which is a nod to my ascendant sign of Sagittarius, a fire sign and one of an adventurer. So, although my feet are firmly planted my body and hair continue to erupt with wildness and passion. I will always crave change, adventure and things that move my soul.
Then the water in the photos is just amazing. I love the photos where I am in the water and the dress is so fluid. This represents my moon sign, Pisces, a water sign (no surprise there). The movement and fluidity to me, show my dreamy, creative nature. I am extremely emotional and the movement of the dress almost moves like my cyclical emotions: up, down, around, here and there. Without these cycles, I do not think I could create the way I do. The dark photos capture this best as I remember the moon was out, I was in the water and the lighting was more ethereal.
Without even telling her about my birth chart, she captured all of it, which to me is magical and very special. Holding my body with reverence after a year of feeling so shameful, guilty and resentful towards it brings me to tears. I worked hard on forgiveness towards myself this year and I love the way it feels.
I feel a new found “fertility” in my ideas and creations and I look forward to what this new decade will produce.
To read Kim’s take and learn more about her art, check her out here!
“Acceptance allows me to just be me.” This is such a beautiful, vulnerable and honest share. I love that you can see yourself with the eyes of grace and love. You are exactly where you’re meant to be.
It was so wonderful working with you and I look forward to seeing what you produce in this new decade! I anticipate nothing but amazing things! Loved this post.