by 
I love reflecting at the end of the year. Each years comes with surprises, challenges and wins. This year, I found myself searching for answers to why my energy levels tanked while preparing to get married. The dichotomy of these two things reminded me that challenges make joy deeper.
Our wedding day arrived with rain that San Diego desperately needed but rarely experienced. As I looked out the window, I realized that the outdoor ceremony I had been dreaming of would be cold and rainy. I felt a wave of panic but decided to choose joy because I was marrying a wonderful man and every person I loved the most was in town to help us celebrate.
As I walked down the aisle, my dad sweetly held an umbrella over my head. My best friend was singing Sara Bareilles’ I Choose You lyric:
“I am not scared of the elements
I am under-prepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you”
I looked out at our guests which were a sea of different colored umbrellas. Our wedding party was bravely standing on either side of the beautiful tree we were about to get married under. My brother was the officiant and he was smiling ear to ear. At the end of our wet, grassy aisle was Nate. He was standing in the rain, smiling, unfazed by the rain that was dripping off his tux.
I replay this memory over and over. There was so much joy in that moment. And every failed relationship, tear shed, stress over rain faded away and made that joy even greater because I once knew what it felt like to not feel that happy.
This year surprised me in so many ways. The highlights outweigh the struggles. I went into this year feeling defeated by my body because adrenal fatigue is no joke. I cried more tears than I thought possible this year for no reason other than my body just needed the release. I slept more that ever because I couldn’t stay awake. Trying to come back from that was a lot of work and surrendering to the fact that I didn’t have control.
When I stopped trying to control my body and advocated for my health by finding someone who was willing to help me find my vibrancy again, things fell into place. I now have a better understanding of my health than ever before and can look back with gratitude for the struggle.
As 2018 comes to a close, I can look back with pride and joy. I worked hard this year. We all worked hard this year. I watched my clients start new businesses, set boundaries, shed bad habits and beliefs that were holding them back. All the work that was put in, reaped rewards, lessons and joy.
If I were to choose a word to wrap up this year it would be JOY. I started this year unsure of how I would be able to ride what felt like a rollercoaster. But, I am here, safe and sound, wiser and happier than when it began. The support and love that poured in from family and friends meant so much to me.
I learned that joy is a choice. I can choose to be joyful even when everything hits the fan because in the end, there is greater understanding and the joy feels fuller and deeper.
For anyone that may be going through something hard, know that the light at the end of the tunnel eventually appears. Ask for help. We can’t always be the strong one. Sometimes, we need to surrender and allow in order for joy to make its way back to us.
May your new year be full of beautiful realizations, growth and joy beyond measure.
