healing

I waited for him to leave. He slammed the door, I stared at it making sure it really happened. Then without notice, my tears started to fall. Something inside of me told me this was the final time. We would never get back together. There would not be a reconciliation after a few weeks apart. Our time together had expired and my heart sank, even though everything inside of me knew it was time to part.

It took me some time to not cry about it. There were several people letting me know it was for the best, but my heart still felt broken and raw. I loved this person and now I would never have that extension of my heart back. I was tempted to contact him; an all too familiar pattern. I stopped myself. I distracted myself by taking a walk. I would walk until my sadness dissipated. One day, I walked seven miles.

A few months passed and I started to feel better. I was healing and working on letting go. I was determined to learn how to let him go once and for all. The back and forth proved to me that it wasn’t right, but my heart didn’t want to listen.

Finally, my heart and mind started to sync up and I started putting myself out there to meet new people and date; something I hadn’t really done since I had met him. Dating was awkward and brought up even more things that I needed to resolve. I had no idea how much work it took to heal, really heal, after a breakup.

These were a few things that really helped me heal and grow through the process…

1. Forgive. I needed to forgive him and myself. There were things we had both said and done that were not versions of our best selves. That happens in a relationship and I wanted to grow from it instead of wallow in what went wrong. I wrote out everything that hurt and upset me. Then, I went down the list and consciously forgave him and myself for each offense. I had to do this a few times, but it helped.
2. Let go of the expectation of “getting back together”: false hope kills healing. I had to remind myself that “it ended for a reason”.
3. I looked for any co-dependant residue: after being in a relationship for a while, sometimes our identities can get wrapped up in the other person. I noticed where I may have “lost” myself in the other person and resolved to regain my sense of self back. This could not be done alone. I sought out help through a spiritual coach and that was when the healing really started.
4.  Let go: Recognize the loss and release. I created a ritual to let him go. I needed a physical release along with the emotional one. Letting go happens over time and after I healed, I was able to finally release ceremoniously.
5. Start dating. I very carefully dipped my toe back into dating at first. It was awkward and I felt like I was out of practice. But after time, it became fun again and I met some very lovely and some interesting people.

Time is important, but so is the mindset of healing. Only after I resolved to heal was I able to do the work. Each step was difficult in their own way, but I am grateful for the journey. I learned about myself, created healthier boundaries and opened my heart again.

The most important lesson was learning to love being alone. Embracing my true self and the love that comes through the process was the greatest lesson the breakup could offer. I learned to listen to my intuition and that dancing alone is liberating and creates the space needed for the right things to come.

*for more information on letting go or healing after a breakup, email me at emily@soulsadventures.com