Life Lessons

Lesson from a Vineyard: Ripening of the Spirit

July 15, 2021 by 0 Comments

My mom called the other day to tell me about the grapes that have been growing in their garden. She asked me about the differing ripeness of the clusters since some berries were sweet and others were tart.

“The green ones are astringent, you could clean a house with them.” she said.

“That’s because they haven’t completed veraison.” I replied using my knowledge of grapes from my previous career in the wine industry.

Veraison is the process when grapes become sweet. As they hang on the vine in the sun, they ripen from hard, green berries to plump, sweet fruit ready for eating or making wine. It’s actually one of the most beautiful parts of the vine’s lifecycle because the clusters are variant in color. I always loved this time of year in the vineyards, witnessing the stages of ripening.

Just as grapes take time to ripen on their own schedule, we too, ripen and mature unevenly.

For the past 2 weeks, my husband has been sick. At first we thought it was just a cold, but it turned out to be COVID. He is very healthy so we thought it would pass, but his condition continued to worsen including a trip to the Emergency Room.

I struggled with exhaustion and fear for his health. I also struggled with anger and resentment. Ashamed of this realization, I sought support from those closest to me.

What felt like a struggle soon revealed itself as a gift. The situation provided a spotlight on some things I needed to work on, places where I was still astringent and unpalatable, like an unripe grape. I noticed the uneven ripening and instead of berating myself, I softened and accepted the veraison in my own soul.

Noticing a pattern of anger and resentment felt embarrassing, especially as my husband struggled. I was ashamed that my weakness was showing up and apologized for letting my insecurities and immaturity get the best of me. Embracing this truth, I did the work to come back to the truth and grow from there.

One of the things my husband and I remind each other of often is “everything we need is provided in perfect timing.” There is evidence of this truth throughout our lives and marriage. When we feel like things aren’t working out, we can search for the evidence of grace, provision and abundance. In these moments, our anxieties calm and we become closer.

The night in the ER, showed me an even greater capacity of love for my husband. I had never had to fear for his health until that moment. It also showed me a greater resiliency within. In the moments when I wanted to break down and cry, something in me clicked and I was able to muster the strength needed for both of us.

There are so many times, when I have needed his strength in the midst of storms. Last year, he was my steady oak as I mourned the loss of fertility. As I learned to let go, he stood firm in his love and support, giving me the love that I so desparatly needed.

Now it was my time to show up and be rooted. And in those moments, another part of me softened in strength.

I think it’s easy to go towards judgement and anger in hard times because the energy matches the trial. The real strength training comes from finding the silver lining while also being authentic and realistic. Yes, it was scary and at times felt like a nightmare watching Nate suffer from COVID. And yet, I pulled some serious spiritual weeds through this process and fell more deeply in love with him.

Through this trial, my faith in the Universe and my relationships with family strengthened. I found a new found appreciation for my family and for science (thank goodness I was vaccinated!) I was also reminded of the power of grace and giving this gift to myself daily.

As we “ripen” impatience can rise up, especially when we recognize other areas where we have “matured”. And yet, there is beauty in the uneven growth and imperfection. This is where depth and appreciation is found. If our souls learned everything at once, what would we look forward to? How would life create awe and resilience over time?

In the anxious moments of transformation, I reminded myself that there was a purpose in the struggle. This is a truth I hold very close to my heart as I learned this through past struggles. Even though the purpose may not reveal itself immediately, there is evidence that can be pointed to in the future, when needed.

As I thought about my mom’s comment of the green grapes being astringent I remembered telling her to wait to harvest the cluster until they are all ripe and purple. And then I realized I was also speaking to myself.

I love how simple conversations can turn out to be exactly what is needed.

A New Chapter: Reflections on Turning 40

October 5, 2020 by 2 Comments

There is a sense of peace that has arrived with turning 40 that I think comes from embracing the lessons of surrender this year has presented. I’m not just talking about 2020, I mean my entire 39th year has been one surrender experience after another.

At first, I felt very stubborn towards these lessons that arrived in full force. They kept showing up, no matter how much meditation and work I did on myself. Even with hiring a coach, surrender was not letting up.

My only choices were to fight or release my grip and learn to flow with the current of life.

For the past few years, turning 40 meant the loss of youth as we navigated fertility and learning about our very slim chances of conception. I was devastated and felt like my body had failed me prematurely. Shame, resentment and guilt became the feelings I had towards my body as I struggled to come to terms with this new found truth.

This year, I have learned to forgive where I didn’t realized I needed to forgive. The body that can’t do what I wanted it to do is now being held in reverence. I’ve learned so much about how it works and embrace the cycles and each wave of emotion with the grace I so desperately needed in my 20s and 30s.

Through all of this, I have learned the beautiful lessons of acceptance and trust. Acceptance allows what is to just be. Acceptance allows me to just be me. Trust reminds me that everything I need arrives when its time. No amount of forcing or manipulation will make things happen quicker. As long as I keep showing up to life, it keeps showing up for me…even if not on my timeline.

Since surrender has been such a pivotal theme for me, I wanted to capture it. I worked with Kim Belverud a former client of mine who I knew would capture this milestone and turning point perfectly.

We used the words SURRENDER and VULNERABLE for the entire shoot. I just showed up and Kim led. I did whatever she told me to do. It was uncomfortable at first to allow myself to be so raw. What she did is pure art. I share my interpretation and a few photos from this shoot below…

I have to say, at first, it was really hard to look at these photos. I’ve never seen myself portrayed this way before and I found myself judging myself pretty harshly. I walked away and took a second look with kinder, more gracious eyes and what I saw upon resetting my mindset was amazing.


The first thing that sticks out to me are my feet are firmly planted on the ground. To me this signifies a turning point for me, one where I am finally grounded and rooted after years of wandering, searching and wondering. My sun sign is Virgo, which is an Earth sign. I feel like these photos embody Virgo energy: Grounded, Earthy, Womanly.


Second, I like the photos without the structures in the background and my hair. These strike me as somewhat wild in nature, which I feel has always been within. I am a very passionate, deep feeling, non-confoming soul. Which is a nod to my ascendant sign of Sagittarius, a fire sign and one of an adventurer. So, although my feet are firmly planted my body and hair continue to erupt with wildness and passion. I will always crave change, adventure and things that move my soul.


Then the water in the photos is just amazing. I love the photos where I am in the water and the dress is so fluid. This represents my moon sign, Pisces, a water sign (no surprise there). The movement and fluidity to me, show my dreamy, creative nature. I am extremely emotional and the movement of the dress almost moves like my cyclical emotions: up, down, around, here and there. Without these cycles, I do not think I could create the way I do. The dark photos capture this best as I remember the moon was out, I was in the water and the lighting was more ethereal.


Without even telling her about my birth chart, she captured all of it, which to me is magical and very special. Holding my body with reverence after a year of feeling so shameful, guilty and resentful towards it brings me to tears. I worked hard on forgiveness towards myself this year and I love the way it feels.

I feel a new found “fertility” in my ideas and creations and I look forward to what this new decade will produce.

To read Kim’s take and learn more about her art, check her out here!

Unanswered Prayers: Coping with Infertility

March 3, 2020 by 0 Comments
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I was sitting in La Sagrada Familia in May. It was the perfect rainy day activity. Five years previous, I sat in the same pew, praying for a husband. I was about to turn 34, my heart was broken, I was about to quit my job and I just wanted to settle down. Not really being religious anymore, it felt strange yet very comforting to pray for this person I so longed to meet.

Sitting there five years later, next to the man I prayed for in one of the most beautiful cathedrals in the world was surreal. My prayers were full of gratitude that day, offering thanks for every member of my family. But, there was one thing I still really wanted so I added a prayer at the end for a something my heart had been longing for, a baby.

For years I was totally fine being childless. I was traveling the world, exploring and doing whatever I wanted. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago that shattered me, and yet looking back I know that it changed the trajectory in my life in a very positive way. I accepted that perhaps I would never become a mother, until one day my body wanted it.

I remember that day very clearly. It was 4 years ago. We were in Michigan, out on the lake with his family and his nephew jumped in the water into his arms. Watching him with his nephew changed my biology. In that moment everything in me wanted to be a mother to this man’s children. I know that may sound strange, but everything in me changed that day.

My brain immediately made me think about my age and how at that point, my eggs were considered “geriatric” and it made me want to figure out if I could have children. There are so many opinions about women over 35 and pregnancy and I read a bunch of them, most of which freaked me out.

I started tracking everything, measuring, timing, waiting. My periods started to become something I resented. My stress and anxiety around the entire process was terrible.

Then, in July, I felt different and missed a period. Hope flooded my heart. I just knew something was different. We landed from our time abroad and almost immediately, I started bleeding. My heart broke. I cried a lot after we returned. I felt like my body had failed us, I felt hopeless and old.

My second book was about to launch so I dived right into work and promoting my book. I buried my grief in work and that felt comfortable because my career was doing well. I could control outcomes with that, so I gave my book and business all of me.

Several months passed and pregnancy remained elusive. We were told to seek help after trying to conceive for a year. In January, I went in to check what was going on. The doctor was informative, supportive and compassionate. I cried when I told her I just wanted to know why I couldn’t get pregnant. She ordered some tests and told me to come back when I conceived for pre-natal care.

I felt good about the appointment and returned hopeful awaiting the test results that I was praying would show that it was just a matter of time before we got pregnant.

And then she called me a few days later. “I’m so sorry Emily, this wasn’t the news I was hoping to give you.” She explained the very slim chance of me getting pregnant and that we should immediately look into alternative options. “Thank you for calling” I replied, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I hung up the phone and sobbed.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried to my husband. He just hugged me and let me cry because there wasn’t anything he could say that would make that moment better.

I was in shock for a few days, crying most of the time and feeling so sorry for myself. I knew I was crying about the news but also about the grief from the summer that I stuffed way down. I was grieving because I loved the dream and the expectation that it would all just work out easily.

Returning to life as usual was hard. My self pity wanted to keep me in bed and my perfectionism wanted to work through it like a bulldozer. I needed to find my center and allow the pain to heal while also doing my work and tending to my relationships.

It took weeks for me to stop crying at the drop of a hat. Grief comes in waves, never giving clues to when the next one will break. You can’t analyze it like you can scan the ocean to see where the energy will rise. I had to allow my heart the time to process.

Then one day, acceptance came. After over a year of trying to make something happen and doing everything I thought I needed to do to make it work, I just accepted that we may need to look at other possible ways to become parents. Although I recognized that many couples face this reality, I needed to accept it as my own. I needed to give my body acceptance and release the grief and anger I felt towards it.

It felt good to melt into acceptance and release the need to control.

Earlier this year, I chose the word FLOW as my theme for the year and for the first time, I felt in flow with the process. I spent so much time trying to make, trying to measure and analyze and forgot to be present.

Soon after I received the news, I heard from several women about their infertility struggles. I had not said anything about what I was going through and in those moments, I realized that I could offer true empathy because I know the pain intimately now.

Sometimes our deepest pains can be our greatest gifts.

I’m not sure where this journey is leading me but I’m finally open to what is has to teach me. It feels good to release the control, measuring and anxiety. I still find myself choked up from time to time but then I remember that this is a gift and the answer will come when its supposed to.

I am changing my prayer to “change me through this, show me how to be a light through this pain and thank you for this struggle and the strength that will come from this.” I believe joy can be greater after we get through a valley and I want to choose joy and not despair going forward.

Year in Review – 2019 Reflections

December 31, 2019 by 0 Comments
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It always seems to happen around this time of year, nostalgia rises and the memories of the year flood in. Lately, I have been trying to find stillness to process all the memories and emotions that 2019 brought up for me. I realized that this year everything was experienced at a deeper level.

Now, I am a pretty deep person, I live in my head and my heart. I am always thinking and feeling. And yet, this year, I found myself going even deeper. In the depths, I found new ways to love, communicate and show up.

Surrender was a reoccuring theme for me this year and even when I felt like I couldn’t let go anymore, I was shown that I could. As my grasp became looser, my life became richer.

Dreams came true this year as well as some faded into memory. There was a constant pendulum of emotions as I saw my creations come to life as well as some fall away. This is the nature of choosing a creative life; some seeds grow while others never take root. The beauty lies in the ability to create over and over again.

Holding my 2nd book, Find Your Glow Feed Your Soul, for the first time was very special. It’s more beautiful than I could have imagined (thanks to Quarto’s amazing design team). Launching the book was different from the first time because I am constantly learning how to be an author.

Even with the critics, I learned to release my desire to justify and surrender to the fact that not everyone will be my audience. There is a certain freedom that arrived after that. I can still show up for my readers and share my voice.

I learned to love deeper as marriage continues to help me grow and transform as a human. Surrender helped me release my ego a bit more so I could be open to a new level of love. Getting married is an act of surrender. To welcome another person into your life so intimately, especially after years of doing it my way without thought is a beautiful and heady act of release.

I’ve learned new levels of forgiveness, comfort and wonder this year with my husband. We traveled for 67 days as an experiment to see if we could really take our businesses anywhere. Through the digital nomad experience, I learned that not only can we work anywhere, but that we can overcome difficulties fairly quickly.

Our time away was magical, difficult, exciting and inspiring. I loved traveling all over Spain and Italy with Nate. He is an amazing travel partner and his sense of wonder is one of the things I admire most about him. Even with missed trains and lost luggage, he rose to each occasion with calm. He doesn’t dwell and moves forward quickly.

Coming home to our 1 bedroom apartment felt amazing. The place that feels too small at times, was the place we longed to be. I’m learning that roots are a good thing and that I can be grounded and free simultaneously because they are both a state of mind.

Every year, my belief that everything I need is already on its way becomes more solid. There were things I thought I needed this year, and they only became points of resistance and remnants of failure. Instead, so much room was made for the things that were meant to arrive.

As I look back, I am overwhelmed with gratitude and peace. This year was exactly what it was supposed to be. This year was hard in so many places: hard work, hard conversations, hard realizations. Surrender isn’t for the faint of heart. And yet, 2019 was also pretty magical and that is how I want to remember it.

As I look forward to 2020, I feel a sense of calm knowing that I am prepared to hold loosely and allow life to flow; which happens to be my word for the new year.

This is what I imagine FLOW to be…

  • More Stillness, Less Anxiety
  • More Love, Less Judgement
  • More Experience, Less Scrolling
  • More Laughter, Less Pride
  • More Reading, Less Screens
  • More Gratitude, Less Wishing
  • More Acceptance, Less Resistance

This year of surrender was the most productive and successful year of my life. Surrender proved to me that I don’t need to be in control of everything because when I release, all the goodness I can’t see is allowed to fall into place.

It’s good not to always know what’s around the corner, thats where wonder will always abide.

Did you have a word for 2019? I’d love to hear what it was. I hope your year was filled with magical memories and that through the hard stuff, beauty emerged. May your reflections of the past year be filled with wonder because no matter how your year transpired, you are here and that is amazing.

Finding a Sense of Home While Traveling Abroad

June 5, 2019 by 0 Comments
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Today was a difficult day. I wanted to go home and find my comfortable place of solace where I can recharge my introvert soul in order to continue this journey out in the world. We have been on the road for 25 days and this is our 5th city. There have been a lot of people, noises, sights and experiences.

Overall it has been amazing and perfect. We are in Spain, one of my favorite places. However, I am an introvert. Like a, I need alone time for a long time, introvert. And well, that’s just not happening on this trip.We both work from home and every week we are in a new place, in a new apartment, some smaller than others and it’s hard to get the space I crave.

Today, my body told me to stop. We were on a run. I told him to go ahead because my body was telling me it was done. He ran off and I tried to keep my pace with my goal of 2 miles in mind. I hit my goal and stopped and waited for him to make his way back.

When he returned, I started to cry. I told him I needed space and alone time. I told him I craved the comfort of home. We made a plan for me to get the space I needed today, because we are here and not home and there is only so much we can do.

Spain is very lively. Even if you are alone, life is going on around you. I am surrounded by noise. I can hear people chatting, forks clicking on plates, cars passing, children playing, footsteps even. Even if I am totally alone, I am not.

I am reminded that through pain growth occurs. Something is happening. I don’t know what it is yet, but I think it has to do with a sense of home. I keep craving home. A place to call home. My own space. I’ve never felt this strongly about “home” before.

Tonight, Nate went on a walk. I stayed back to get some alone time and creating in. The windows are open, there is a warm breeze coming in and down the street, a group of people are singing. It’s perfection. There is the constant buzz of the city accompanying their voices. Every once in a while, a bell rings from the kitchen in the restaurant next door. Spain is a symphony and I am learning to find peace in the noise.

I am learning that home is within, with my person and I can take that everywhere. Do I still want my space and the comfort of home? Yes! I believe this journey is creating a deeper sense of appreciation for when that happens. One day, I’ll be sitting in the space I’ve created with all its comforts and remember this very special time when I traveled with my husband, learned a new level of comfort and was serenaded by the city of Seville.

2018 Reflections

December 30, 2018 by 0 Comments
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I love reflecting at the end of the year. Each years comes with surprises, challenges and wins. This year, I found myself searching for answers to why my energy levels tanked while preparing to get married. The dichotomy of these two things reminded me that challenges make joy deeper.

Our wedding day arrived with rain that San Diego desperately needed but rarely experienced. As I looked out the window, I realized that the outdoor ceremony I had been dreaming of would be cold and rainy.  I felt a wave of panic but decided to choose joy because I was marrying a wonderful man and every person I loved the most was in town to help us celebrate.

As I walked down the aisle, my dad sweetly held an umbrella over my head. My best friend was singing Sara Bareilles’ I Choose You lyric:

“I am not scared of the elements
I am under-prepared, but I am willing
And even better
I get to be the other half of you”

I looked out at our guests which were a sea of different colored umbrellas. Our wedding party was bravely standing on either side of the beautiful tree we were about to get married under. My brother was the officiant and he was smiling ear to ear. At the end of our wet, grassy aisle was Nate. He was standing in the rain, smiling, unfazed by the rain that was dripping off his tux.

I replay this memory over and over. There was so much joy in that moment. And every failed relationship, tear shed, stress over rain faded away and made that joy even greater because I once knew what it felt like to not feel that happy.

This year surprised me in so many ways. The highlights outweigh the struggles. I went into this year feeling defeated by my body because adrenal fatigue is no joke. I cried more tears than I thought possible this year for no reason other than my body just needed the release. I slept more that ever because I couldn’t stay awake. Trying to come back from that was a lot of work and surrendering to the fact that I didn’t have control.

When I stopped trying to control my body and advocated for my health by finding someone who was willing to help me find my vibrancy again, things fell into place. I now have a better understanding of my health than ever before and can look back with gratitude for the struggle.

As 2018 comes to a close, I can look back with pride and joy. I worked hard this year. We all worked hard this year. I watched my clients start new businesses, set boundaries, shed bad habits and beliefs that were holding them back. All the work that was put in, reaped rewards, lessons and joy. 

If I were to choose a word to wrap up this year it would be JOY. I started this year unsure of how I would be able to ride what felt like a rollercoaster. But, I am here, safe and sound, wiser and happier than when it began. The support and love that poured in from family and friends meant so much to me.

I learned that joy is a choice. I can choose to be joyful even when everything hits the fan because in the end, there is greater understanding and the joy feels fuller and deeper.

For anyone that may be going through something hard, know that the light at the end of the tunnel eventually appears. Ask for help. We can’t always be the strong one. Sometimes, we need to surrender and allow in order for joy to make its way back to us. 

May your new year be full of beautiful realizations, growth and joy beyond measure.

When to Move On

April 11, 2018 by 1 Comment
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How do you decide when to move on?

When things fall apart, it can be hard to find the initiative to get back up to find the space to start or create something new. Days can seem to drag on and putting one foot in front of the other can seem like a huge feat. Sometimes, it feels like you are stuck and doomed to live in a cycle of disappointment.

Figuring out action steps can help bring your mind out of the fog but make sure to give yourself the time to process the disappointment. If it is time to move on, it’s okay to mourn the loss. Allow the healing to occur and take an active role by looking forward to creating something new when the time is right.

Some important questions to ask when there is something that may feel like it is falling apart are:

  1. What isn’t working?
  2. Is there something I can change to make it work?
  3. If I let go and move on from this, what are my next actions?
  4. What do I want to be working towards?

Be honest with yourself and take time to write out the answers. After you answer the questions, look to see if anything sticks out. Are there common themes, new revelations or is the answer clear and the writing exercise solidified your intuition? Sit with the answers, meditate on the next steps and recognize any closure that needs to take place.

Perhaps the most important thing to note is the last question. If where you are now does not help you get to where you want to be, then the answer is clear. Getting clear on what you want to do can ease the pain of ending something that is not meant to be.

When things end, it is important to get back up, even if it takes some time. Making daily efforts to try again seems difficult at first, but after a while the practice of doing creates the momentum needed to move forward. In order to allow growth to take place, movement is necessary.

When life gives us a “no” it creates space for expansion. This is a place for possibility and dreaming. The opposite of expansion is contracting. If contracting is happening, it holds on to pain and disappointment. Stagnation can occur and often times, resentment. Imagine a fist releasing its grasp. Notice how the hand expands as it lets go of its tight hold.

Release and expand; this is the action most beneficial for moving on.

Let what needs to fall down, fall. Don’t act like Sisyphus, continually pushing his boulder up the mountain just to push against gravity once more; this was his curse. Whatever is falling apart, does not need to be a curse. Look to see the blessing in disguise. There is something waiting for this to end in order to have the space it needs to enter your life.

Let go and receive whatever may come with open arms, mind and heart. Replace resistance with cooperation. Momentum can aid in cooperation and soon moving forward will feel exciting and new beginnings will emerge. All you have to do is be honest with yourself, find clarity and start moving forward, one step at a time. In time, the space will be filled with something new.

Sitting with Gratitude

April 3, 2017 by 0 Comments
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I spoke with a dear friend on the phone about dreams come true. She had just received my book and was living in her new home. We had shared our dreams and struggles over the years and she mentioned how awesome it was that we both had manifested our desires.

I agreed, “It’s amazing, now we have to figure out what we want to manifest next.”

She replied, “I think I’m gonna sit in gratitude for a while with this one.”

I was blown away and humbled by her wisdom. She was so right. The work is done, and instead of continuing to strive, I need to take a breath and sit with the feeling of immense gratitude. My deepest desire of becoming an author has finally come to fruition. It’s time to give thanks and really feel the power of gratitude.

Gratitude is a daily practice for me, but stopping and sitting with it, is not. I am constantly striving, reaching and pushing. I am always looking forward and tend to forget to be present and really dwell. Mindfulness is an ongoing practice and as a recovering perfectionist, I try my best to stay present.

As far as I can remember, I have pushed myself against myself. I was always competing with myself in my mind and striving to achieve. Learning to sit in stillness began 10 years ago after my first bout with anxiety. The effects of the anxious spiral I allowed myself to enter were wearing heavy on my mind, body and soul. I was achieving, but very unhappy. Mindfulness and gratitude have changed my life and brain chemistry.

When the results of hard work occur, it is important to sit in gratitude for yourself, the process and the result.

Everything is an opportunity to be grateful. Taking the time to be still and really feel gratitude is a gift you can give to your heart.

As I take my dear friend’s advice, I am in awe of the opportunity and process that just took place. Now that I stand on the other side of this beautiful opportunity, my heart wells with gratitude. This is an awesome feeling and I definitely want to sit here for a while.

The Catalyst

October 12, 2016 by 2 Comments
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Domestic violence takes on many forms and endures for various lengths of time. It takes courage to release the heart’s tight grasp on an abuser. My hope and prayer for this post is that it will encourage men and women to be brave, take a stand against abuse and find the love that resides within.

Here is part of my story:

I was being held up by my throat staring into raging eyes. It was like he had left his body and pain took over which he was now transferring to me. I was begging to be let go of with my hands since I could barely breathe. I was scared and felt my head getting lighter and my body becoming limp.

When he let go, I gasped for air. I felt the warmth around my neck where his hands had been. He stood there staring off somewhere that wasn’t the present moment. I scurried away like a scared animal, retreating to another room to contact my sister.

She was the only person I could think of to reach out to. It was late, even later in her time zone, but she was awake and saved me that night. He had taken it too far this time. From far away, she called the cops.

Everything I had known as love was broken. I thought I was strong enough to deal with the emotional tearing down but this was scarier. I was alone, not by choice, but because something happened and he was taken away. The night that love turned into fear was a catalyst for me.

My first instinct was to pray. I had grown up religious but had put that part of me on a shelf for almost a decade at that point. I fumbled with my words trying to communicate with a God that I hoped was there. It felt awkward at first and I stopped several times to cry. But the prayer was lifted and I repeated “Help me” over and over.

He called me to ask for bail, I refused and hung up. I had the urge to find my Bible, another thing that had been put away for a decade. I searched my closet and found it at the bottom of a box. I opened it and the first thing I read was: “A man of great anger will suffer punishment for if you rescue him, you will have to do it again.” Proverbs 19:19

Chills ran up my spine. That passage jumped from a page in a forgotten book and was pertinent to what had just happened. I laid down on my bed and repeated “Please comfort me. I am so sad and lonely.” Almost immediately, I felt a force of comfort come over me. It was heavier than the air and my heart beat calmed down for the first time that night.

“Come back. Return. Love resides within”

I was being called to return to my soul. A place that I tried to mask for years. In order for me to know love, I had to begin with myself at the cellular level and begin to heal. I realized that I had to go within, be alone and find the courage to let go.

This event was a catalyst to my soul. I started a search where I wanted to find what was sparked inside of me that night. I knew it wasn’t the God full of judgement and fear I grew up believing but one that was loving, peaceful and full of grace.

In a moment of fear, I was comforted by something outside of myself. This began my journey to where I am today. It shook me to my core and demanded that I learn to love differently starting with myself.

*If you or someone you know  is a victim of domestic violence, here are some resources to get help:

National Network to End Domestic Violence

National Resource Center on Domestic Violence

Surrender

September 1, 2016 by 1 Comment
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Imagine a fist held tightly. All it holds is the air and creates tension within the body. Then imagine the fist letting go. Notice the release of tension and free flowing air around each finger. Nothing fell out of the palm, because there was nothing to grasp.

Holding tightly onto something that isn’t there is useless and controlling. I have learned this lesson time and again. Perhaps it’s because I am Virgo or someone who does not like to feel out of control. But the minute I try to generate an outcome that seems forced, I create an unrealistic expectation, stress and anxiety.

Several years ago, I was going through a career transition and I remember thinking “I better get a job soon, I have bills to pay” as I wrote my check for my car payment leaving $23 to my name. It wasn’t for lack of trying to find a job, there just weren’t jobs available. So, I had to surrender and take a job as a courier.

I thought that I deserved a better position because of my background and transferrable skillset. My need for control was keeping me from moving forward. However, if I would not have accepted the position, I would have missed out on the opportunity that later resulted in abundant travel.

I was terrified when I let go. I thought that if I held on for just a bit longer, things would fall into place. They never did until I surrendered to the experience and the lessons that were begging to be learned.

When it feels like you are being blindly led, allow trust to take place.

The act of surrender is not giving up; It is an act of trust. This is a sacred place within the soul. A deep, vulnerable place to enter. To let the walls down around the heart and to open the soul to a possibility that can’t be seen is raw, yet absolutely exciting and brave.

There are several things I still need to surrender but each time I do and trust that everything will be alright; I am surprised by the grace of the universe. Situations that seem hopeless when in my control are completely turned around when I let go of the reigns. The universe lovingly allows me the time to realize I need to let go, and when I do, that’s where the miracles happen.

What we can’t see holds a gift if we allow it to happen. It is amazing when things are revealed after the act of trust. What I thought I needed or wanted is always replaced by something greater. With each act of surrender, I am learning that the universe really does have my back and listens to all the desires of my heart.