Growth

New Year’s Reflection

January 8, 2021 by 0 Comments
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2020 wasn’t all that bad and I refuse to call it a dumpster fire…

In the beginning of the year, I chose the word “flow” as my word. I’ve been choosing a word for the year for a few years now and this word felt appropriate as I was feeling the familiar urge to control creeping back through my bones.

As the year progressed, I found “flow” becoming more and more difficult to achieve. I wanted to know where and how things would turn out. I wanted to feel certain as more and more things felt like they were falling apart (personally and in the world!)

Lately, I have been trying to find stillness to process all the memories and emotions that 2020 created. I realize that everything felt heightened as well a dulled at various parts of the year. For me, 2020 was the year where immense space was created. What some called a “dumpster fire” I refer to as a clearing, a time to release.

The more I released, the more life seemed to flow for me.

In the beginning of the year, one of the dreams I had been holding so close to my heart became a vapor when we received news of infertility. This sent me into a swirl of emotions. Through deep love and support of friends and family, I found flow again and slowly learned to reconnect with and respect the cycles of my body.

This news became such a gift as I look back because I saw how disconnected I had become from my physical being. Spending so much time in my head had become a place of comfort and yet, it also was a place of paralysis as I stayed fixed in thought not moving forward.

Our greatest pains have the potential to become our deepest insights.

I ended the year completing a 200 hour Yoga Teacher Training, which was immensely healing and beneficial in helping me reconnect my mind, body and spirit. I have wanted to do YTT for years and never found the “right time” to pursue it. A friend casually mentioned, Awakening Yoga Academy, over brunch one day and something inside me sparked and the timing felt perfect. After a year of grieving and feeling angry with my body, I decided to do something to bring me back into my body with appreciation, love and grace.

This year also marked the release of book #3! Holding my 3rd book, Sunrise Gratitude, for the first time was very special. I waited extra long for this book as shipping was unpredictable this year. I remember seeing it in the hands of a reader in Australia before I had a chance to see it. It was exciting to know it was real and that people were reading and connecting with it.

Every year, my belief that everything I need is already on its way becomes more solid. There were things I thought I needed this year, and they only became areas of great resistance. Instead, FLOW created so much room for the things that were meant to arrive. The more I trusted, the more hope took root.

As I look forward to 2021, I feel a sense of excitement and HOPE, which I chose as my word for the new year.

This is what I imagine HOPE to look like…

  • New dreams
  • More love for others and ourselves
  • Welcoming serendipity as control is released
  • Collective healing and growth for the world
  • New perspectives and horizons
  • Connection with DEEPER appreciation (hopefully in person)
  • More acceptance of differences
  • Recognizing possibilities instead of dwelling in failures

This year of flow was full of stillness and uncertainty and yet, it felt healing. Flow proved to me that I don’t need to be in control of everything because when I release, all the goodness I can’t see is allowed to fall into place.

Life will always ebb and flow and the more we stay open, the easier it is to accept and grow.

Did you have a word for 2020? I’d love to hear what it was. I hope your year was filled with magical memories and that through the hard stuff, beauty emerged. May your reflections of the past year be filled with wonder because no matter how your year transpired, you are here and that is amazing.

May this next year bring you peace and hope!

How to Deal with Social Media Triggers

June 8, 2020 by 0 Comments
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The past week has been heartbreaking. I have watched several people spew hate and vitriol at strangers on social media and it’s not okay.

We are living in a time that calls for understanding, inclusion, and justice. And yet…the issues are becoming deeper with the harsh judgments and criticisms.

I grew up in a very fundamentalist and legalist environment and I am seeing so many parallels to it on social media and it turns my stomach. I’ve even questioned if I want to continue to be a part of something where such “all or nothing thinking” runs rampant.

When we see hate, we must show up with love.

However, I find myself asking (cue the Black Eyed Peas) “Where is the love?” I am shocked at some of the comments I see and even posts from people I follow(ed) correcting, admonishing, and judging so harshly.

So I took a break…and may continue to because I know I need to learn more about what’s going on and wrestle with the discomforts that have surfaced during the past couple months.

There are a few things that we all need to remember when using social media:

  • Social media can cause an urge to compare
  • Social media can cause an information vortex (like any media outlet)
  • Social media causes high anxiety for many
  • Social media can be a tool to bully others

This past week was supposed to be a call for justice and inclusion and yet, I see more judgement and hate than ever (and I thought COVID posts were mean!). It’s okay to be upset by the injustices. It’s okay to want to do something about it. It’s okay to admit that you need to learn more.

It’s not okay to assume someone else isn’t doing their part. The only thing we have control over is ourselves, our reactions and our thoughts. THAT’S IT! So if we think that spewing hate and judgement is the answer, we have it all wrong.

I’d like to challenge you to flip the narrative in your mind next time you see something online that makes you want to lash out and comment in cruelty. Stop yourself, take a deep breath or three and ask:

  • Why am I being triggered right now?
  • What about this is causing me to react?
  • If I am judging this person, what do I see in myself that causes me to judge?
  • Will my comment bring understanding and love to this situation?
  • Is it my job to correct or change this person?

After asking these questions, comment or move on.

The same can be said if someone isn’t showing up on social media. Do not assume they are staying silent and inactive. They may be taking a break to learn more, volunteer, show up physically to help or they may need a mental health break. All of these reasons are okay. Assuming the worst only makes you upset.

I know the urge to want to create change deeply and intimately. I chose my career path because I feel this urge so deeply. However, I know for a fact that nothing I can do or say will make someone change. I can inspire, encourage and hold accountable (if asked), but that person chooses how they show up in the world.

When we release the need to control others, we free up so much space to create change within, which ultimately creates outward change!

Think about that. When you let go of the need to control others, you have the freedom to change yourself. Life is a learning experience and I guarantee you none of us have any of this right. Social change creates unrest and disrupts the status quo. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and let others find their own way.

The new narrative is being written, edited and translated right now.

Please be part of the solution by spreading love. If you don’t know what to say or do, ask. I reached out to several friends early last week to ask how to show up. They thanked me for asking. All I received was love and advice, because I asked. Please love more.

Love will heal. Love nurtures understanding and growth. Love erases hate.

How will you show up in love today?

Unanswered Prayers: Coping with Infertility

March 3, 2020 by 0 Comments
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I was sitting in La Sagrada Familia in May. It was the perfect rainy day activity. Five years previous, I sat in the same pew, praying for a husband. I was about to turn 34, my heart was broken, I was about to quit my job and I just wanted to settle down. Not really being religious anymore, it felt strange yet very comforting to pray for this person I so longed to meet.

Sitting there five years later, next to the man I prayed for in one of the most beautiful cathedrals in the world was surreal. My prayers were full of gratitude that day, offering thanks for every member of my family. But, there was one thing I still really wanted so I added a prayer at the end for a something my heart had been longing for, a baby.

For years I was totally fine being childless. I was traveling the world, exploring and doing whatever I wanted. I had a miscarriage 20 years ago that shattered me, and yet looking back I know that it changed the trajectory in my life in a very positive way. I accepted that perhaps I would never become a mother, until one day my body wanted it.

I remember that day very clearly. It was 4 years ago. We were in Michigan, out on the lake with his family and his nephew jumped in the water into his arms. Watching him with his nephew changed my biology. In that moment everything in me wanted to be a mother to this man’s children. I know that may sound strange, but everything in me changed that day.

My brain immediately made me think about my age and how at that point, my eggs were considered “geriatric” and it made me want to figure out if I could have children. There are so many opinions about women over 35 and pregnancy and I read a bunch of them, most of which freaked me out.

I started tracking everything, measuring, timing, waiting. My periods started to become something I resented. My stress and anxiety around the entire process was terrible.

Then, in July, I felt different and missed a period. Hope flooded my heart. I just knew something was different. We landed from our time abroad and almost immediately, I started bleeding. My heart broke. I cried a lot after we returned. I felt like my body had failed us, I felt hopeless and old.

My second book was about to launch so I dived right into work and promoting my book. I buried my grief in work and that felt comfortable because my career was doing well. I could control outcomes with that, so I gave my book and business all of me.

Several months passed and pregnancy remained elusive. We were told to seek help after trying to conceive for a year. In January, I went in to check what was going on. The doctor was informative, supportive and compassionate. I cried when I told her I just wanted to know why I couldn’t get pregnant. She ordered some tests and told me to come back when I conceived for pre-natal care.

I felt good about the appointment and returned hopeful awaiting the test results that I was praying would show that it was just a matter of time before we got pregnant.

And then she called me a few days later. “I’m so sorry Emily, this wasn’t the news I was hoping to give you.” She explained the very slim chance of me getting pregnant and that we should immediately look into alternative options. “Thank you for calling” I replied, trying to keep my voice from shaking. I hung up the phone and sobbed.

“I’m so sorry.” I cried to my husband. He just hugged me and let me cry because there wasn’t anything he could say that would make that moment better.

I was in shock for a few days, crying most of the time and feeling so sorry for myself. I knew I was crying about the news but also about the grief from the summer that I stuffed way down. I was grieving because I loved the dream and the expectation that it would all just work out easily.

Returning to life as usual was hard. My self pity wanted to keep me in bed and my perfectionism wanted to work through it like a bulldozer. I needed to find my center and allow the pain to heal while also doing my work and tending to my relationships.

It took weeks for me to stop crying at the drop of a hat. Grief comes in waves, never giving clues to when the next one will break. You can’t analyze it like you can scan the ocean to see where the energy will rise. I had to allow my heart the time to process.

Then one day, acceptance came. After over a year of trying to make something happen and doing everything I thought I needed to do to make it work, I just accepted that we may need to look at other possible ways to become parents. Although I recognized that many couples face this reality, I needed to accept it as my own. I needed to give my body acceptance and release the grief and anger I felt towards it.

It felt good to melt into acceptance and release the need to control.

Earlier this year, I chose the word FLOW as my theme for the year and for the first time, I felt in flow with the process. I spent so much time trying to make, trying to measure and analyze and forgot to be present.

Soon after I received the news, I heard from several women about their infertility struggles. I had not said anything about what I was going through and in those moments, I realized that I could offer true empathy because I know the pain intimately now.

Sometimes our deepest pains can be our greatest gifts.

I’m not sure where this journey is leading me but I’m finally open to what is has to teach me. It feels good to release the control, measuring and anxiety. I still find myself choked up from time to time but then I remember that this is a gift and the answer will come when its supposed to.

I am changing my prayer to “change me through this, show me how to be a light through this pain and thank you for this struggle and the strength that will come from this.” I believe joy can be greater after we get through a valley and I want to choose joy and not despair going forward.

Finding a Sense of Home While Traveling Abroad

June 5, 2019 by 0 Comments
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Today was a difficult day. I wanted to go home and find my comfortable place of solace where I can recharge my introvert soul in order to continue this journey out in the world. We have been on the road for 25 days and this is our 5th city. There have been a lot of people, noises, sights and experiences.

Overall it has been amazing and perfect. We are in Spain, one of my favorite places. However, I am an introvert. Like a, I need alone time for a long time, introvert. And well, that’s just not happening on this trip.We both work from home and every week we are in a new place, in a new apartment, some smaller than others and it’s hard to get the space I crave.

Today, my body told me to stop. We were on a run. I told him to go ahead because my body was telling me it was done. He ran off and I tried to keep my pace with my goal of 2 miles in mind. I hit my goal and stopped and waited for him to make his way back.

When he returned, I started to cry. I told him I needed space and alone time. I told him I craved the comfort of home. We made a plan for me to get the space I needed today, because we are here and not home and there is only so much we can do.

Spain is very lively. Even if you are alone, life is going on around you. I am surrounded by noise. I can hear people chatting, forks clicking on plates, cars passing, children playing, footsteps even. Even if I am totally alone, I am not.

I am reminded that through pain growth occurs. Something is happening. I don’t know what it is yet, but I think it has to do with a sense of home. I keep craving home. A place to call home. My own space. I’ve never felt this strongly about “home” before.

Tonight, Nate went on a walk. I stayed back to get some alone time and creating in. The windows are open, there is a warm breeze coming in and down the street, a group of people are singing. It’s perfection. There is the constant buzz of the city accompanying their voices. Every once in a while, a bell rings from the kitchen in the restaurant next door. Spain is a symphony and I am learning to find peace in the noise.

I am learning that home is within, with my person and I can take that everywhere. Do I still want my space and the comfort of home? Yes! I believe this journey is creating a deeper sense of appreciation for when that happens. One day, I’ll be sitting in the space I’ve created with all its comforts and remember this very special time when I traveled with my husband, learned a new level of comfort and was serenaded by the city of Seville.

April’s Full Moon

April 19, 2019 by 0 Comments
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Full Pink Moon

The ritual of spring cleaning is a time when we go through what has accumulated over the winter months and decide what to throw away and what to keep. There is an intention to do a full clearing of clutter to clear any stale energy from our homes.

The things that haven’t been used in a while are noticed and we have the choice on whether it’s time to let them go. This can be a difficult process for some things because they hold sentimental value.

Attachment can cause a great struggle in letting go.

One idea that has always helped me when decluttering is: If you haven’t needed it in a year, chances are you will not need it now. It is liberating to let go of things, especially those with stale or bad energy. Energy shifts when old or unused items are removed. We make room for newness to enter our lives.

Some years are easier to clear clutter than others. Others can be a struggle to find the time to do a deep cleaning. This is a time to recognize any blocks that may arise when it comes to clearing clutter. Allow yourself to take some time to reflect on what the block may be.

Here are a few questions you can ask yourself:

  • Do I really like where everything is in my home right now?
  • Am I afraid of what may happen if I get rid of something? If so, what am I afraid of?
  • Do I welcome change?
  • Am I trying to manifest things too quickly and getting impatient with the process?
  • What am I attached/holding on to?

If you find yourself wavering on the thin line of attachment remember that growth comes after the release. It is easy to fall into attachment when hard work bears fruit. But, there is always room for growth!

If you are craving growth and feel slight discomfort from waiting or haven’t seen change in a while, harness the powerful energy of the full moon to notice if any of these areas are highlighted.

The full moon is a time when what needs to be let go of is highlighted and draws our attention to it so we can release it.

Start by making a list of where you would like to see growth in your life. Then break your list down into categories and list how you would like to grow in each area

  • Relationship
  • Career
  • Health
  • Education/Growth
  • Community
  • Family

Then, next to each item, list an action you can take to create the change you desire. Notice where you need to let go and clear clutter in each area. This can be a physical object or an emotion.

Clutter is energetic and has a low vibrational energy.

The things that are no longer serving you hold energy where growth is ready to bloom. Clearing out clutter brings new and lovely things. This takes practice, so be gentle with yourself. Letting go is hard. Even though you may not know what is on the horizon, trust that universe hears your deepest desires. Making your list is manifestation in action.

Pink Moon Meditation:

I am ready to let go of what no longer serves me.

I release my grasp on the things I have been holding onto.

I am ready for growth.

I notice the beauty that is taking place.

Preparing for Growth

March 20, 2019 by 0 Comments
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How do we prepare ourselves for growth?

The first day of Spring always reminds me of new beginnings and thinking about what needs to be released in order to welcome what is about to grow. I like to think of it as a spiritual spring cleaning. As much as it feels great to get our physical spaces in order, we need to take care of our souls as well. If we aren’t tending to the garden of our soul, it will manifest outwardly.

Every Spring Equinox, I ask myself: “What seeds do I need to plant in order to harvest what I want?” and “What do I need to release in order for growth to occur?”

This equinox is extra powerful as it coincides with the full moon as well. This full moon is called the Worm Moon, named after the time of year when the ground begins to thaw and worms move through the earth, aerating the soil preparing it for planting. Just as this picture portrays the preparation for growth, we too can move through our layers to find what potentially can get in the way of our growth.

To begin, look ahead six months and think about where you want to be in your life and work backwards from there. This is an incredible space of possibility and expansion. Anything is possible if you are willing to put the work in. If you take the time to plan for a bountiful harvest, you are more likely to achieve your goals.

Of course there are things that will come up and best laid plans may go off course, but I have learned that starting a season with a clear intention helps me stay focused and even makes going with the flow of life easier because I am clear on what I want yet able to recalibrate when needed. When we flow through life, it is easier to allow things to happen as they may because the need for control dissipates.

When a season of change happens, the need to control can feel attractive. Since change brings uncertainty, it is easy to assert our will into situations that just need time to evolve. If we crave control and continue to insert our will, then the process doesn’t have the room it needs to grow as it should.

Change isn’t for the faint of heart. It takes courage to commit to do something out of the ordinary, to step outside of your comfort zone and create something new. Growth takes time and can be painful. I remember my knees aching as a child right before I grew a bit taller. The pain was temporary, yet my body let me know that I was changing. There was nothing I could do about these growing pains, they occured, I grew and I was fine.

Preparing for growth takes a lot of intention and a lot of letting go.

So, as you enter this season of planting seeds and the preparing for the growth that will occur, remember your intentions and why you wanted to make these changes. When pain occurs, remind yourself that they are just growing pains. And when it’s time to let go of things that are keeping you from going where you want to go, send them off with gratitude for they part they had in your life and release them.

There is beauty in letting go. The weight of carrying something that is no longer needed only drags us down. When we release, we feel lighter and our souls have the room needed to transform and blossom.

On Changing My Name

May 23, 2018 by 0 Comments
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I have had my name for 37 years. A lot of amazing things have happened with this name. I have a book with it on it’s spine and I love the way it looks; symmetrical to my first name. My passport bears my name as do my past achievements.

I think about his name and what it represents and the amazing family that I inherit just by falling in love. I think about our possible children. I think about how a new name could help me move on from so many things my current name is attached to. I think about new beginnings and fresh starts. I think about how much I love the man who bears this name.

I have decide to take his name. The joy on his face when I tell him is beautiful. I know in that moment I have made the right decision. Why would I think twice for just a name? I could change my name to anything whenever I want. Many people do. But this change is symbolic and is an act of love and trust. My independent core is revolting, yet my heart is melting into the beautiful security it provides.

My relationship is a steady oak tree. Roots continue to dig deep, and this is what I have always wanted. It is amazing to me that the thing I most craved is causing my anxiety. I wanted security and stability and it delivered the most stable human I have ever met. He is unshakable, and he is teaching me that stability comes through trust, growth and love.

Hence the roots, my stability never matured because I was constantly in a state of up-rootedness. I moved constantly as a child and then continued the pattern as an adult; always craving something new. I am learning to stay put which is why this urge has been so loud. I am used to movement. I am used to being elsewhere and dreaming of elsewhere.

I chose to change my name because for years, I had known struggle alongside great achievement. I had an identity of anxiety mixed with excitement. At times I felt frayed at both ends, always striving: to be something great, achieve the next promotion, make a name for myself, to be acknowledged.

Then, he came into my life and things became effortless. Our love happened so easily. I had spent years trying to make people love me and make myself fall in love. I would strain to see the good in others, make up meanings to try to fit. There was so much resistance; a clue that it wasn’t right. Yet, I persisted, and my heart continued to break.

Sometimes persistence is in vain. Sometimes “no” makes way to the greatest “yes”.

When I met him, the resistance faded, and I just knew it was him. I had spent time envisioning him. I knew what it felt like to be with my person.  My visualizations became so familiar that I felt chills every time something familiar occurred on our first date. The conversation was exactly as I imagined, and I felt relieved knowing that the universe heard my deepest desire and was delivering it.

I had waited 3 years for him to appear. I had gone on dozens of first dates and this one was the last.  As I sat across from him and listened to him speak about his journey, I felt resonance and respect. It was a comforting feeling but also surreal. I was meant to meet this man at that moment.

So then why was I feeling so conflicted about changing my last name?

It wasn’t cold feet, it was terrified feet and I had to return to the space inside my heart that was unfolding, ready to receive love. This is the space where my feminine nature resided. She had been preparing this space for him even when I was trying to keep hurt from penetrating my heart.

This place of unfolding was where I find the strength to abandon all my fears of losing myself and rise to the challenge of becoming a wife.

This is the space of creation and I am ready to create a new life with him. I feel honored to take his name. In this unfolding I am learning surrender. I made a note to remember this realization because I know myself and the times when I refused to unfold, have always been the times when relationships became near impossible.

Our family is just beginning, and we are a team. Not one on one, but together, working towards a common goal. I feel aligned with him and ready to take on whatever life has in store. I had to allow him into the place that I guarded so fiercely. He makes me feel safe and I trust him with this part of me. I know my heart has found its home.

Grateful Reflections

November 21, 2017 by 0 Comments
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Thanksgiving has been my favorite holiday for years. I love the idea of getting together with family and friends to give thanks. One of my favorite traditions is friendsgiving which is a way to share the holiday with friends to reflect on the wonderful things that have happened, the trials that were overcome and the beauty of finding a group of likeminded people to share life with.

Family is also very important to me and in the past couple years, I have extended my family with a recent engagement. When I got specific on what I wanted in a future partner, someone who was close to their family was near the top of the list. It brings me so much joy that both of our families have welcomed each other with open arms. It feels loving, exciting and just right.

As I reflect on thanksgiving, I see that even though there were times of scarcity and sadness but there are so many joyful moments to celebrate. I am firm believer in the fact that my needs are always provided for. Even when it feels tight, I have everything I need and that is comforting.

Here are a few things I am celebrating this thankgsgiving (and always)…

Getting Engaged: For years, I didn’t think this would happen. I had dated and had my heart broken several times. But then, I decided to manifest my dream man. I sat down and got specific on what I really wanted and refused to settle for anything less. Little did I know, he was doing the same and the day we met, I knew he was my person. He proposed to me in June while we were on a hike (one of my favorite things to do). I am grateful for him and the journey and I can’t wait to marry him next year.

Collaborations with creative and soulful entrepreneurs: There are so many beautiful and creative minds and I am fortunate to have collaborated with a few this year. It is my desire to collaborate in this healing and creative space of coaching and it truly was an honor to be a part of a few awesome projects.

Seeing two of my favorite authors speak: I have been reading and following Shauna Niequist and Brene Brown for years. I was so excited to see them on their book tours for their amazing books, Present Over Perfect and Braving the Wilderness Seeing them speak was so inspiring and encouraging.

Holding my book for the first time: After years of trying to get published, it felt surreal to see a book with my name on the cover and my words inside of it. I still can’t believe it when I picked it up. It was crazy to see it in Barnes and Noble as well. Having a book published was probably #1 on my bucket list since I was 9 years old! I am so thankful for all the kind emails and reviews I have received and for each reader who has made Moonlight Gratitude a part of their nightly routine.

Seeing my family all together for the first time in years: I come from a big family and it is rare that all of us are together at the same time. Earlier this year, we all got together for the first time in 5 years. It felt so nice to be with my entire family and laugh like I only laugh when I’m with my siblings.

Watching clients start their own businesses:  I am so grateful for each of my clients! One of the most rewarding things about my work is when I get to see my clients take a step in a completely new direction and create something they love. My mission is to empower women to harness their bravery and go after what they really want. Here are a couple business I wanted to share because these women emulate bravery…Check them out and follow their journeys!

Andora Photography

Healthy Transformations by Hilary

Gratitude is a magnet for joy and I hope that as you reflect on the things that made your year shine bright, joy fills your heart.

Full Flower Moon

May 10, 2017 by 0 Comments
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I was 33 years old and terrified that I was leaving a career that was my dream 5 years previous. I wanted to work in the wine industry and learn everything I could about it. This job took me all over the world where I met amazing people and experienced culture and cuisine. For a wanderluster with a palate for pinot, this was a dream come true.

I was so grateful and in awe of all the opportunities BUT something just wasn’t right.

Deep down, I was miserable. I wanted to travel on my own terms and write. I knew that writing wasn’t going to pay the bills, but I knew I had to try it. This concept was terrifying. I had created such security and my soul was begging me to leap. I edged up to the cliff, looked down and went right back to work several times.

I decided to take 2 years off and calculated my freedom number; the amount needed to sustain my simplified lifestyle for my temporary hiatus from work. I saved until I had what I thought was enough to support myself. Then, I stepped back to the edge of that cliff and I still felt my knees tremble, unable to leap.

My soul was relentless and the misery transcended anything amazing that was happening. There were promotions, trips and raises but my resistance caused more pain and left me feeling helpless and depressed.

Then, I realized no matter how many times I crunched numbers or made excuses, this calling was going to pursue me until I let go of the security and resistance and opened to the unknown.

The day I quit my job, I was nervous and excited. I had prepared a letter and walked into the office of the company president. This man was responsible for all the great things that I experienced with the company as well as mentoring me along the way. I was sad to deliver this message to him. As we spoke, he was gracious and understanding. I was so grateful. That moment solidified that I was making the right decision.

Immediately following that conversation, I felt the resistance fade and relief took over. I felt light and happy and excited to embark into the unknown.

Suddenly, I had the freedom I had so badly craved but felt fear creeping back in.

I knew that if I didn’t squash the thoughts of scarcity and insecurity, I would not be able to enjoy what had happened. I combated the fear with gratitude. I sat in the feeling of relief and thanked God for helping me — prodding me — pushing me to harness my bravery.

This was a lesson in becoming. When resistance, fear and pride took over, I was not allowing myself the chance to blossom. I remained tightly closed for almost 2 years because I feared the loss of security. I needed to let go of certainty in order to fully open up to the beauty that wanted to unfold.

It wasn’t until I full released my grasp on the need to control and my craving for certainty that I was able to truly appreciate what was transpiring. When I let go, I felt my creative passion explode and writing became something I must do. I celebrated my bravery and embraced uncertainty like an adventure to a new land. My heart and soul opened and blossomed.

Tonight’s Full Flower Moon is the perfect opportunity to notice where abundance and gratitude are taking place in your life and confront and fear that may be holding you back. Address limiting beliefs and affirm your greatness. This is a time to showcase the beauty that has been carefully worked on and celebrate the growth that has occurred.

Open the floodgates of passion and infuse the areas of your life that have grown stale from neglect. Go after what you really want. Open up and bloom right where you are. Remember a time when you felt alive and excited and then ask yourself: “How can I bring that energy back into my life?”

Now is not the time to play small. Let go of anything holding you back. Celebrate all the goodness that is flowing into your life. Offer gratitude for the fruits of your hard work. This is the time to show off your big beautiful blooms and appreciate their glory.

It has been 3 years since I delivered that letter and I appreciate what took root that day and celebrate all that has blossomed since then.

“The day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”  -Anais Nin

Overcoming Fear

November 9, 2016 by 0 Comments
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I felt extremely small and terrified to embark on something I had very little experience in. I looked down at the canyon and felt my knees tingle, like they wanted to buckle. The Grand Canyon is enormous and steep and I was about to hike my way down to the bottom with a pack on my back.

My idea of hiking consisted of trails around California that were shorter in distance and less strenuous which definitely did not involve carrying a 30 pound pack on my back. I had trained for the hike by running for endurance, conditioning for strength and hiking the trails around San Diego to work on elevation. However, I soon learned that my training did not compare to the demands of the Grand Canyon.

Everything was fine inside me until I faced the hike. The months leading up to it, I was excited and sure of myself and physical ability. But, when I saw the other hikers in their real gear, I realized that I looked like a novice in my borrowed pack and 1 water bottle. My feelings of inadequacy continued to grow inside me.

It is amazing how fear can permeate and almost paralyze.

The morning of the hike, I woke up with the sun afraid that I was going to fail and wanted to stop before it even began. I stopped at the gift shop to pick up another water bottle so I didn’t dehydrate and made a step closer to committing to the hike.

As we began hiking down the South Kaibob Trail, my fear was replaced by courage. The farther we hiked down into the canyon, the more diverse the terrain became and I found myself in awe of the beauty around me. I remember my first glimpse of the Colorado River after 4 hot hours of hiking switchbacks and felt wonder excitement at the sight of the canyon’s bottom.

The more I got out of my head, the more my fear dissipated.

After 5 hours, we made it to the bottom. My knees were shaking with fatigue, sweat had soaked my hat and shirt and then the sky opened up and rain started pouring down. It felt so refreshing on my tired and overheated body. I took off my pack and sat down on the shore of the Colorado River and waited for the rest of the group to arrive.

Nights at the bottom of the Canyon are peaceful and enveloped by stars. The lack of technology provided a detachment from everyday life and I was able to sit and think without distraction. For the first time in a very long time, I was completely in the moment and quite enjoyed it.

I realized that my fear was also in anticipation for something great. Pushing myself to the limits was both frightening and exciting. This realization changed my outlook for the hike back up the canyon.

Early the next morning, we began our trek up the Bright Angel Trail which is just over 9 miles and very steep. Each of us climbed at our own pace and I stopped several times to catch my breath as elevation began to affect my breathing. This was by far the more difficult of the 2 hikes.

My pack felt much heavier than on the hike down and by the time I reached the top, I was exhausted. I looked down and could not believe how far I had come and the fear that I once felt was transformed into courage. Sometimes the scariest treks can reap the most rewarding gifts.

Through this journey I learned that to transform fear I needed to:

  • Stay present:  When I allowed myself to think about things that could happen or judged myself based on limiting beliefs, fear took over. Taking a moment to just be and notice where I was and what I was doing in that moment allowed the anxiety to dissipate.
  • Breathe: I noticed I was holding my breath in fear. When I took a breath and brought myself back to the moment I was in, all of those fears lost their power. Breathing brings us back to the moment and slows down panicky thoughts.
  • Reframe the narrative: Fear is a liar!! By turning a negative thought into an empowering thought, I was able to motivate myself even during the hottest part of the day and steepest part of the hike. There was a point where I chanted “I can make it, I are strong” to myself while climbing back up the canyon.
  • Take action: Taking each step one by one helped me move forward and leave fear behind.

Whatever fears are occurring, take the time to reevaluate and reframe. Push past the discomfort and find the new found strength that is waiting to be gained. Before reaction creates waves of fear, find stillness and your breath. It is possible to move forward from the paralysis of fear and come out with a more limber mind, body and soul.

Great adventures always begin with anticipatory excitement, don’t let fear lie to your soul.